Reasons to Include Me in Your Future Bestselling Novel

I’ve read a lot of books in my lifetime, and not one of them was completely perfect (except for The Book Thief, but I’ll get to that some other time). Some of my favorite novels like John Green’s Looking for Alaska, Stephen King’s The Stand or J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban were great, but were missing something, something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Until today.

That something is me.

Not to sound self-centered or anything, but just about every novel, movie, play, TV show or short story would have been better had I been at least mentioned once.

But unfortunately I can’t do much to fix that, since it all happened in the past, and time travel causes way too many paradoxes (thirty-seven of them, to be exact). So I’m just going to make sure that everyone for now on will include me in their work in progress. Keep in mind that you don’t have to make me the main character or anything; just give me a line or two.

Here’s a couple reasons why you should.

  1. My name is awesome. It’s Matthew Black—the smoothest and coolest of all the names. It’s almost like it’s a pen name I made up or something… nah.
  2. I could be the main character’s love interest. I am sometimes mysterious, (I frequently answer casual questions with a coy “perhaps…”), and apparently I have nice eyes for your main character to marvel at. I can also bake cakes and I have a heart of silver.
  3. I tend to disappear for a days/weeks at a time with an unsatisfactory explanation. Characters who do that, like Remus Lupin, Walter White, and Perry the Platypus, tend to be intriguing and enhance the story, and let’s face it— your novel could use more werewolves/meth dealers/secret agents.
  4. I’m secretly a dog, which would make a great plot twist, and explains my random disappearances.
  5. I’m actually a cat pretending to be a dog pretending to be a human. Another big plot twist right there.
  6. I can be the comedic effect character if you like. After all, I did tell a joke that made my friend sort of laugh that one time.
  7. I’m great at flirting. I have some of the best pickup lines ever. (“May I Slytherin to your Chamber of Secrets?” is a particular favorite amongst Harry Potter fans.) I’ve learned all my stuff from this informative article right here.
  8. I am evil. I once hit my brother with a fly swatter and told him there was a fly on his back. There was no fly.
  9. I am a great person. I always do the right thing.
  10. I frequently contradict myself for no other reason than to confuse the reader, and characters who do that are awesome.
  11. If I’m included in your story, I will probably go out of my way to read it, because who wouldn’t?

In other news, sorry for the lack of posts. Because I posted 2 MSATTN posts in a row, I thought I’d compensate by  writing two normal posts in a row to make up for it so the people who don’t read them have a reason to stick around here.

I have no idea how to end this post, so here’s a couple pictures of daleks that I found funny. One of them has a MAJOR SPOILER FOR THE DOCTOR WHO SEASON 7 PREMIERE, so if you haven’t watched that yet (and are planning to), you shouldn’t look below.

photo credit: kootation.com
photo credit: http://www.uprox.com
from tumblr
photo credit: http://www.kasterborous.com
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12 Replies to “Reasons to Include Me in Your Future Bestselling Novel”

    1. It stands for “Work in Progress.” A surprisingly large percentage of my followers for aspiring novelists.
      I’m probably going to change the name for this post though.

  1. Are you related to the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black? *gasps in wonder*

    I giggled so much at that HP pick-up line.

    Also, I started watching Doctor Who! 😀

    1. Yeah, but my name was disused and taken off the Black family tree after my father married a muggle-born. (I was born a squib, so I never got a chance to go to Hogwarts.)

      How do you Doctor Who so far? Seasons 5 and 6 are my personal favorite. And sorry if I spoiled a certain season 7 episode for you in the pictures above.

      1. Oh, poor you! On the plus side, you probably don’t have to go to those horribly awkward family reunions with Sirius and Bellatrix. *pats*

        I have one more episode left before I reach series 4. My favorite is probably series 1 (Nine is SO COOL) but then, I haven’t seen even half of New Who yet.

      2. I’ve barely seen any Eleven (I’ve seen a few episodes out of order before I started watching for real), but I like Ten. He’s… human.

        But Nine is serious and I love that.

  2. This post is too funny. Strangely, I was already thinking of using your name, Matthew Black is perfect (especially for crime fiction. maybe you’re the killer, maybe the detective, who knows?). Now that I have “permission” it’s even better. It would be cool to see a bunch of different stories (various genres) using your name.

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