Those of you who’ve been following my blog for over a year now, should know about a certain condition I have. It’s a very serious illness, known as “Mentalgenophobaticanastesiosis,” and is most commonly found in sixteen year old males with the initials M.B., who also have a pre-existing condition known as the “font fetish,” but let’s not go into that right now.
The only known cure for this illness is found in a rare flower, indigenous to the coast of New Zealand, known as the Tulrose, which is a bizarre cross between a tulip and a rose. Unfortunately this flower has appeared to have gone extinct, so I’m going to have to wait a few months for the symptoms to go away. One of these symptoms is the tendency to ignore my blog, and writing in general, in favor of just about anything else. This always take place during the summer, when I have the most free time, which is perhaps the most frustrating type of irony there is.
Classes ended two days ago, but I’m already starting to slack. For instance, I was planning to write a post all week, but I was distracted by this fancy app (Fun Run) on my phone and started playing that for an hour or so. Then my phone died, and I thought, “Good, time to work on that post,” but then I felt hungry and decided that those chocolate chip cookies my mom bought earlier that day desperately needed to be eaten, and then I visited a Game of Thrones forum and got in an argument with a guy who hated Sansa Stark, and I was all “What? You can’t hate on Sansa, she’s fabulous!” But back to the point:
This summer will be different (fingers crossed), because I’ll have a job, (or at least, I’ll be looking for one) and I’ll be learning to drive (driving is fun), I also have a passable social life (love those) and I’ll be working on that novel I failed to finish (it will win a Pulitzer Prize) along with the More Than I Can Chew posts (sorry it’s taking so long, I’m stuck between two projects). I’ll also be trying to visit Six Flags as much as humanly possible, which should give me time to think up lots of writing material while I’m waiting in all those lines. But I also kept myself mostly busy last summer, and I still barely posted. So here are some things I’m doing to avoid wasting my entire summer.
1: I will get my more dedicated followers to bug me if I don’t post for more than three days. I want you to comment saying something like, “Hey Matt, write a goddamn post, you lazy bastard.” You know, just as a reminder that this blog does, in fact, exist. You could be as rude as you want and I’ll still thank you. Keep in mind that I love comments more than anything else in the world, and I (almost) always respond, plus I’ll usually check out the commenter’s blog. So commenting is a win-win situation for both of us.
2: If I go more than two weeks without posting, just assume I’m dead. After all, I plan to go on a dangerous quest to avenge my third cousin’s uncle’s death, and I might not return with my life. So me no longer being alive is a very plausible explanation for my absence. If I am alive, that means I’m either being extensively tortured by a sadistic psychopath, or I’ve been kidnapped by the Legendary Miko. Probably both. Either way, feel free to leave a bunch of heartfelt comments saying how great of a guy I was, and to confess any romantic feelings you may have for me, because let’s face it: we all know you do.
If I know you’re all going to assume I died if I don’t post, I’ll force myself to write something, to spare you all the emotional pain.
3: I will vacuum the pool a lot. I have a sexy pool in my backyard, one that you’re all free to swim in this summer, providing you let me know ahead of time. (I don’t like to unexpectedly find strangers swimming in my pool.) Anyway, it always falls on me to be the one vacuuming it, and while I don’t enjoy the job, it does give a lot of time to think, providing I’m not be harassed by that one fly that keeps flying around my face. I usually think of a lot of golden writing material here, most of which I forget by the time I get a chance to write it down. I even came up with a theme song for that obnoxious fly:
“I’m a cool bug,
and I’m here to stay.
I’m bringing bugs back in a brand new way.”
I forgot the rest.
Anyway, this is where I tend to think of post ideas, and some specific jokes and sentences I’d like to include in them. Now if only I had a waterproof laptop with me so I could write all the ideas down the moment I get them…
(And to think, some mother from a third world country is saying to their child “How can you complain about poverty and disease, when there are kids in America who don’t even have waterproof laptops? Have you no sense of perspective?” And that thought makes me feel terrible. Excuse my while I donate to Care.org.)
So yeah, that’s all. If you’re reading this and you’re afraid I’ll stop posting forever, don’t think, “Better just unfollow now.” Instead, think, “It’s time to harass the shit out of him until he writes a new post.” I wouldn’t think any less of you for it.
Besides, writing is one of those things I can’t not do. No matter how long I’m gone, I will always come back, with a vengeance. Unless I’m dead. If that’s the case, refer back to #2.
- I’m reading The Way of Kings, by Brandon Sanderson, after taking a break from it for a while. Sanderson’s a boss.
- I didn’t write a review for last week’s Game of Thrones episode, so I’ll write a short one here: It was good, but I would’ve loved it so much more if I hadn’t read the books. I’d spoil a few things if I were to elaborate further.
- I’d like to write a young adult murder mystery. We need more of those.