If I Could Just Talk to Spiders, My Life Would be So Much Easier

Cartoon spiders are so much cuter than real life spiders.

I don’t usually do The Daily Prompt, but today’s seemed easy and I knew what I wanted to write mere seconds within reading it. Today’s prompt is:

Literate for a Day: “Someone or something you can’t communicate with through writing (a baby, a pet, an object) can understand every single word you write today, for one day only. What do you tell them?”

As you could tell from the title of this post, I picked spiders. See, just half an hour ago, I saw a spider walking near my bed and threw a shoe at it. I missed, and the spider is now nowhere to be found. I feel like this happens a lot, so if I had the chance to write to said spider, I would say something like this:

Dear Spider,

I’m sorry for throwing my shoe at you from across the room so many times. I admit, it was a little harsh, but you gotta understand, you are creepy. You have so many eyes, and so many legs, and the fact that you eat your prey by trapping them in a web, crawling over to their helpless bodies and sucking the blood out of them, doesn’t make me feel any safer in your presence.

But I’m sure you and your kind have great personalities, all things considered, and I’d be okay with having you hang out in my room, as long as I knew for sure that you wouldn’t try any funny business, and by that I mean:

  • No biting me. (This goes twice if you’re poisonous.)
  • No crawling within three feet of my presence.
  • No hiding in any of my clothing, especially not in my pants pockets. *shudders at the thought*
  • No giant webs that take up half the room.
  • No sudden movements in my direction.
  • No taking embarrassing pictures of me and posting them online.
  • No listening to music without headphones.
  • No fires.
  • No writing Doctor Who erotica fan fiction. That’s my thing.

Of course, if it’s a really, really cold one day, I guess I’d be fine with you creating fires. And if you happen to be radioactive then by all means, bite away. Otherwise, you’ll have to follow these rules. Failure to do so will result in death.

Have fun not trying to bite me,

Matt.

Click here to see the other entries for the Daily Post.

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