So a few posts back I wrote about how my days at McDonald’s were probably numbered, and I stand by this. I’m totally going to quit in a blazing fashion, preferably by cursing everyone out, right before making my unnecessary but admittedly impressive exit: by diving out the drive-thru window, landing in the back seat of my brother’s car. We will then drive away as the chorus of this song plays loudly on the radio.
I’m just not going to do it now. Or tomorrow. But one of these days!
Though to be fair, I do enjoy my job at Mcdonald’s, especially now that I’m actually somewhat good at it. There are a few things that bug me, namely the customers. Most customers are nice and provide no trouble whatsoever, but there are few that annoy me, a few that amuse me, and those that just confuse the hell out of me with their strange antics. For the sake of humor I shall write a list of the types of people I commonly see, and hopefully those of you with experience in the fast food industry will find themselves nodding along in agreement.
1) The jokester.
This guy thinks he’s the funniest guy in the world. He’ll say something like, “I’d like everything on the menu. Haha just messin’ with ya, man.” The whole restaurant is amazed by his sharp wit.
2) The whiner
Ah, the whiner. You get at least one of these a day. That miserable person who acts like any little inconvenience is the worst thing to have ever happened to him. (Or her.) They will often buy half the menu and then say stuff like, “Well, looks like McDonald’s isn’t cheap anymore,” ignoring the fact that they just bought enough food to feed a small village. Yes, I know the price of Mcdonald’s has increased over the years, thanks to inflation, but some people buy enough food to fill six bags and then are somehow surprised that it doesn’t cost less than ten bucks. They’ll also act annoyed when I ask them questions I have to ask, like “Is this for here or to go?” because obviously I should’ve already known.
3) The fancy pants.
The fancy pants doesn’t quite seem to pick up on the fact that he is at Mcdonald’s, not some four-star restaurant. Usually he will pay for his meal, and then sit down somewhere and wait for the food to be delivered to his table, despite the fact that no, that’s not how this place works. It never has. This person usually comes when it’s busy and understaffed, and I simply do not have time to take the tray and search throughout the building for him. We’ll usually call out the order number two or three times, and when no one responds we just give up and leave the food on the tray. Eventually the fancy pants will get impatient and walk over to the front counter and see his meal waiting for him, getting cold. He will take the tray while making a hilariously passive-aggressive comment at our expense. Afterwards he will write a bad review about us on Yelp.
4) The mumbler
Usually kids, these people will talk so low and are so hard to understand that you will spend hours trying to understand their order. And you’ll probably mess it up anyway because even if you got it wrong, you probably couldn’t hear them correct you. I got a mumbler just the other day, this one a grown man. No matter how many times I apologized and asked him to repeat himself, he refused to raise his voice. It basically ended up in a three minute guessing game that went like this:
“So … you want a … mcdouble?”
“A chocolate chip frappe?”
“What did you just say about my mother?”
This goes on for a while.
5) The slob
This person just leaves his tray on the table for me to clean up, despite the fact that there’s a garbage can less than ten feet away. Even more frustrating is when instead of putting their food in the garbage can, they just leave their tray on top of the opening, blocking other people from throwing their food out. I like to think that there’s a special place in hell, reserved just for them.
6) The concerned citizen.
Usually an elder person, the concerned citizen is worried about my future. Because obviously if I’m working at McDonald’s, I have clearly given up on my life, and only the words of a wise old man will serve as the wake up call I didn’t know I needed.
7) The stoners
Usually a bunch of teenagers who have just finished getting high and are now craving everything on the menu. I don’t have anything against these people; they’re actually more friendly than the average law-abiding customers, and they’re good for business. The lesson here is: stoners are the backbone of our economy.
8) The loiterer
This person just stands around the front counter with no intention of actually ordering anything. It’s weird, and awkward, and confusing. I’m not sure why they do this.
9) The sauce whore
These people want all the sauce. “Can I have ten of each kind?” they ask after ordering a meal that would only reasonably require two or three. “No,” I say, “That’s ridiculous.” I then proceed to spray them with window wash until they leave the building.
10) The charismatic thug
This guy is clearly up to no good, I think as he pulls out a blood-stained stack of hundred dollar bills, but he’s such a likeable guy I’m not even going to bother alerting the authorities.
11) Retired Game of Thrones actors
Jack Gleeson, Michelle Fairley, Harry Lloyd, all tend to hang out around Mcdonald’s nowadays. It’s sad, but not surprising. I mean, after starring on Game of Thrones, you really have no place to go but down. I just wish they would move on with their lives and stop moping around here.
12) Kanye West
When Kanye isn’t busy interrupting people, he usually spends his time at good ol’ Mickey D’s, interrupting me. The worst is when he’s ordering a happy meal:
“I’d like a happy meal, and a Quarter-Pounder meal.”
“Okay, for the happy meal would you like—“
“I’d also like one of those m%m mcflurries.”
“Great. But for the happy meal, would you like a side of apple slices, gogurt or—“
“Do you have any smoothies?”
“Uh, yes. We have mango pineapple, strawberry—“
“Yo, I’mma let you finish, but Burger King has some of the best smoothies of all time.”
“Get the fuck out of here.”
13) The hashslinging slasher
This guy is so annoying. He used to be a fry cook here, but then he cut off his hand and got hit by a bus. At his funeral they fired him. Y’know, with him being dead and all. His ghost comes back to the restaurant every Tuesday night to wreak his horrible vengeance, and it’s really putting a toll on the staff morale. Seriously, that guy needs to go.
So, for those who’ve worked in the fast food industry, do these sound familiar to you? And if you’re reading this and thinking, “Hm, that sounds a lot like me.” Then please stop. Especially you, Mr. Hashslinging slasher. Your job wasn’t that great anyway.