In Which I Sorta Kinda Need Glasses?

Are glasses really this effective?

Fun fact: I found out my grade for AP Calculus today and well, uh, it’s not that great. Pretty terrible actually. In fact I think it’s the worst grade I’ve ever gotten in anything in my life, which is saying something since in seventh grade, I accidentally skipped a bubble on a multiple choice test, and every single answer after that question came out wrong as a result.

I can only imagine how the conversation’s gonna go when my parents find out about it. Based on past occurrences, it should start off with shock and anger on their part.

“A [grade removed]?! How the hell did you get a [grade removed]!” they ask. I’ll probably respond with a shrug, which gives off the impression that I don’t care about my grades, which isn’t the best impression to give off in such a situation. 

Then after a little bit they’ll just be concerned, and they’ll likely go ahead and assume that something is horribly wrong.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you doing drugs?”

“Yeah, but that’s not really the main issue right now.”

“Then what is the problem?”

I pause for dramatic effect. Max Richter’s Afterimage 1 plays in the background. The camera zooms in on my face as I burst into tears. “I need glasses!”

Everyone gasps. My mother collapses from the shock and my father’s face grows red with anger. The pet dog quietly leaves the scene. “Don’t you know?” my father says, “That the Black family has prided itself, for countless generations, on our perfect vision?”

“But dad—“

“You are no son of mine. Get out of my house, you freak.”

Perhaps getting bit by a radioactive spider will solve this problem.

Okay, so I don’t think the conversation will actually go like this, but it is true that I really do need to see an eye doctor or something. For the most part, I could see fine, but it’s starting to become a handicap in the classroom. This became an undeniable fact just a few days ago, when I tried and failed to take notes in class.

I was near the back of the classroom, squinting at the board, trying to decode the small, horrific handwriting of my Calculus teacher. Is she writing in hieroglyphics? I found myself wondering. I could’ve sworn I saw the illuminati symbol in there, and that troubles me.

Eventually I threw my hands up in the air and said, “Fine. I’ll switch seats.”

So I moved to the only other seat available, only one row in front of me. This did not help much. And all the time I could’ve spent listening to what the teacher was saying, I instead spent trying to figure what the hell she’d written down. 

I asked around if anyone else had the same problem, but nope, everyone else can read her handwriting just fine. 

And while my family doesn’t actually have perfect vision (I think everyone over thirty has glasses) I myself have always been proud of my eyesight. I used to pass those doctor eye tests with ease. “Good job, Matt,” the Doctor used to say. The subtext being, “because you have superior eyesight, that means you are also a superior person.”

(I think I may have been the only one who picked up on that subtext.)

Oh well. I guess it’s all downhill after this. I know that as you get older, your senses slowly start to go, but I was hoping I’d first lose one of the lamer senses, like the ability to feel pain. That would actually be pretty cool. I would never lose a single game of bloody knuckles.

Is there a point to this post, you ask?

Yes. The point is that no one in the history of the universe has ever felt the pain I’m feeling right now, and you should all send me pity flowers in the mail. Also, if you happen to own the world’s smallest violin, now would be a good time to whip it out and start playing.

___

So for those of you who currently own a pair of glasses, what’s it like? How helpful are they? If I got contacts, what’s the likelihood of me accidentally stabbing myself in the eye? (I have no idea how contacts work.) 

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66 Replies to “In Which I Sorta Kinda Need Glasses?”

  1. I found out I needed glasses in 2011. For almost a year, I would go to movie theaters, watch projected power point slides in my college classes and wonder why people always projected things out of focus. Then I realized it wasn’t the rest of the world, it was me…

    1. I think I have a similar sort of problem. Hey, maybe those power point slides really are out of focus, and we’re the only two who are seeing it for what it is?

      I think I’m onto something here . . .

  2. I got glasses about 3 years ago and constantly forget to have them with me (they are for reading, but boy I sure need them to read). They are also really expensive so I carry them in a hard case, which fits in no pocket I own. They are convenient only for reading and in the way for everything else.

    1. Well that seems like quite a pain. I’m probably only going to be wearing them in the classroom (the only place where my eye problems are really a big deal), which means I’m going to end up losing them at least once a week. So uh, yeah, sounds fun.

  3. Firstly… *hugs if you accept them and cake whether you do or don’t (I’m a pretty good cook and it isn’t poisoned this time, I promise)*

    Secondly, I have glasses, as I am sure you have noticed from my lovely profile pic. And yes, they really do help, to the point that it’s amazing how well they work. It sounds like you are near-sighted (welcome to the club). And it’s not like you’re looking out a window, either. Glasses are very literally clear (unless they are dirty, in which case you must clean off the smudges that the ghosts leave– seriously, I have no idea where the smudges come from because I don’t touch the lenses and it seems like I’m constantly cleaning mine regardless).

    Thirdly, glasses are awesome and help conceal your superhero identity and are, admittedly, kinda sexy. Just sayin’.

    1. *accepts hug, but only in an attempt to pickpocket you*

      *takes cake, but only because I enjoy cakes*

      This sounds encouraging. And I just looked up near-nearsightedness and yeah, it fits me like a glove, with both the headaches and the blurry vision seeming very much on point. I am worried about the smudges though. I was watching a 3D movie once and accidentally got butter on my glasses, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to get rid of the smudge. It bothered me for the rest of the movie, and I vowed to never to pay extra for 3d again.

      Hmm, you’re right. While I don’t need much help in the sexiness regard (you can only get so attractive before you start to plateau), the part about concealing your superhero identity is quite useful. I mean, Superman puts glasses on and suddenly I’m like, “woah, where’d he go?” and it would be nice to be able to fool other people in such a way.

      1. *has nothing in her pocket except a couple of LEGOs and a pocket-dragon, which bites you when you try to pick-pocket me*

        Glasses can be cleaned easier than 3D glasses. Hot water and a soft towel or even just the underside of your shirt does wonders (they will tell you that you are not supposed to use either soft towel nor shirt).

        True. It’s quite nice. No one ever suspects that I’m really [redacted].

      2. (Apologies for the late reply. To make it up to you, I shall give you back the legos I’ve taken. You’ll be pleased to know that I’ve built with them a tiny wall.)

        Glasses are awesome, by the way. Not even Legolas can see as well as I can. I challenged him to a squint-off, but he has yet to respond.

        Wait, are you Legolas? Because your glasses could be the perfect disguise.

      3. (Aww! A Baby Barricade! You’re so sweet.)

        I look forward to hearing the results of this squint-off, if it ever happens.

        No, I am not Legolas. You’re close, but not close enough. Think more along the lines of Lady of Glitter and Death.

      4. Is it by The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents? Because I haven’t actually read that book and I have no idea why it’s listed as read on Goodreads.

      5. *pops back in for a moment and stares hard at you over glasses*
        Not to be a mom-friend (or nemesis or whatever it is I am to you), but if you have school tomorrow, don’t you dare pull an all-nighter.
        *gives you one last small glare*

        And no, that isn’t a hint.

      6. Oh, are you Galadriel?

        (Come to think of it, I should’ve assumed Tolkien was the author from the very beginning, seeing as this whole thing was sparked by the mention of Legolas.)

  4. Ah…glasses. I had glasses for about five years because my eyesight would “supposedly” waver between nearsighted and farsighted. Turns out it was just a growing thing and I have perfect vision, thus wasting like $1000 dollars in contacts and glasses and lenses. -_-

  5. Aww, don’t worry about. it. I don’t wear glasses, but apparently, they do work. They never worked on me but THIS COMMENT IS NOT ABOUT ME. Anyway, just don’t stress 😀

  6. I’ve had glasses since I was a little kid. They’re not too bad, you just have to clean them every so often. I never got teased for wearing them, or saw anyone else get teased outside of TV shows.

    Contacts I’ve never had, but I suspect that they are torturous and horrible, considering that they touch the front of the eye.

    1. Yeah it’s weird. According to most TV, having glasses means that you’re bound to have it snapped in half by someone at least once. And yet everyone in real life is totally cool with it.

      Yeah, you’d think so, but apparently they aren’t? It’s weird. I should look into it. (puts on brand new glasses to peruse the interweb.)

  7. Many students I’ve taught have seen drastic grade improvements once they got glasses/contacts. Just had a sixth grader come in with contacts yesterday very excited to be able to see the board. If he can stick things in his eye, so can you 🙂

  8. Yeah I have got glasses for six years or so and I did not have any problem with them whatsoever so do not worry there is no problem in my opinion. Otherwise funny written though!

    1. Thank you! May your eyes forever be at ease, thanks to your glasses. I got them yesterday and I can see the board perfectly now. I’m also noticing things about people that I should’ve noticed a long time ago, like the fact that my calculus teacher has freckles.

      “Hey Mrs. S., how long have you had freckles?”

      “My entire life.”

      “Oh. Well, they look nice.”

  9. Glasses aren’t exactly fun … but hey, they let me see actually see stuff so I’m not complaining! Contacts are great. I haven’t stabbed my eye (yet) and I can hardly feel them.

    I actually still can’t see well when I sit at the back of the class, even though I always wear glasses. ***shrugs***

    1. Well, that’s nice to hear. Although I’m afraid someone’s going to punch me in the eye one day and the contact’s going to be lodged permanently in my eye-socket. *shivers*

      I think I may have ended up with magical glasses, because now I could see from the back of the class perfectly. Now excuse me while I gloat in the corner.

  10. I felt the same way before! For a good fourteen years of my life, I was the only person in my entire family with no glasses and I had extreme pride in my vision. Then in freshman geometry, I realized I couldn’t read the board and I was only a few rows behind. I denied eyesight problems until we had a vision test in PE (of all classes) and they gave me a report saying I needed glasses. It’s pretty strange–I went from perfect vision my whole life to being farsighted in one eye, nearsighted in the other, and having astigmatism in both.

    1. I too had extreme pride in my vision, which is probably why it’s taken so long for me to admit I need glasses. I had trouble seeing the board in geometry too. Come to think of it, I’ve been visually impaired for like, five years now and I’m only just realizing it now.

      (I got glasses yesterday, and it’s awesome. I mean, I knew my eyesight wasn’t good, but I didn’t realize just how bad it was until I put them on.)

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