In Which I Reevaluate My Life, My Blog, and Everything in Between

I’m back, motherfuckers, and I’m here to stay.
I’m bringing blogging back in a brand new way.
Yes, I know, it’s been a long time
But that don’t mean I can’t bust a sick rhyme!

…aaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s enough rapping for me. (Did it sound catchy in your head? I hope it sounded in catchy in your head.)

Image result for picture of the sea

So it’s been a few months since I haven’t blogged and I gotta say, it’s been a strange experience. 

Whenever a friend or family member from home would ask me how college was for me, I’d respond with two responses: “So far so good,” and, “it’s #lit,” and while both of those descriptions were accurate, I would never talk about the parts that weren’t so good, because I’m not that sort of person. I don’t talk about the things that truly bother me unless I can say it in a way that comes off as A. humorous, and B. not a big deal.

For the first two weeks or so of college, I had this constant pit of anxiety in my stomach. Sure, things went well — I very quickly found myself in a group of reliable friends, my roommate turned out to be perfectly respectable, and nothing embarrassing happened to me, as far as I can recall — but that feeling was still there. Every moment to myself I’d be reminded of it again.

It wasn’t homesickness, I don’t think. It was just this feeling that something was wrong. That I didn’t actually belong here, that this was all a waste of time, a waste of money, and that everything was going to come crashing down on me at any moment.

“But Matt!” you say, “what does this have to do with blogging?”

Well as you’re about to see, I’m going to talk about blogging again, and then try to awkwardly tie it together with my feelings towards college.

“Oh,” you say. “By the way, it’s disappointing that after all this time you’re still using the old, ‘hypothetical-reader-asks-question’ technique in order to transition to a new topic.”

Yeah, well, thanks for the talk.

. . . So during this time off from the blogosphere, I started thinking: why exactly had I started to drift away from my blog so much in the past year or two? I mean, back in 2013 I was able to successfully post every single day for the entirety of November, and as of July of this year, I couldn’t even maintain interest for a week. Why?

Image result for the letter Y

It’s because I’m a different person than I was in 2013, and I’m a different person than I was this July, and these changes will continue until I’m like, forty. Then I’ll just stagnate forever.

How am I different? Well for starters I think I’m becoming a more open person. The outer me and the inner me are becoming increasingly similar in real life, and that change hasn’t extended to this blog. Mostly because I haven’t been here. But also because I only really talk about the positive things in my life.

When I do talk about the negatives, I do it in a way that makes it seem trivial, unimportant, or I leave out the real problems.

Example: Remember how earlier this year I wrote a post about how I was failing Calculus, and cited my poor eyesight as the main reason? Well yeah, I did need those glasses, and getting them helped improve my life a lot. But I never mentioned those long periods of time through the last two years of high school where I couldn’t concentrate on anything; where an easy homework assignment would take me hours to finish, assuming I could even able to motivate myself to start it.

My parents would always see the report cards during these periods and they’d ask me if I was okay, and I’d always say yeah, and I’d get mad at them for assuming there was anything wrong with me to begin with. But of course there was a lot of things going on underneath the surface: I couldn’t stay interested for long in anything but TV and Reddit. I saw my grades falling and my odds of getting into any college shrinking, and I couldn’t bring myself to actually do anything to stop it. I kept thinking about how if I couldn’t handle this, how was I supposed to handle anything?

It would work in a cycle: I’d slowly sink into that mode where I mostly just slept and watched TV, and then something would snap me out of it, I’d try to salvage what I could of my grades by getting all my late work handed in, and I’d tell myself I’d never get that bad again. And for a week or two I’ll be fine, but then I’d feel it slipping and it’ll all come back, just as bad as before.

I probably should’ve seen a therapist, or have gotten some sort of help. That’s on the top of my list of “Things I’ve Never Done, but Probably Should Have.” Instead I read It’s Kind of a Funny Story, a book about a depressed teenager, roughly my age at the time, who almost commits suicide before admitting himself into a mental hospital. And while I was never nearly as bad as he was, I gotta say I was disturbed by how familiar his symptoms were.

I’m lucky in that I haven’t felt this way since high school ended. It went away during the summer, and I was so afraid that it’d come back hard during college, because that’s when depression and anxiety are the most commonly diagnosed. But it didn’t. Or at least it hasn’t yet. *fingers crossed*

You know what would have been nice, though? To have been able to talk about it on here. I certainly could have, and I even wrote a really long, detailed post describing how I felt at the time, but I never posted it because I felt like it was too much. It didn’t quite vibe with anything else I was writing. This is a humor blog, I figured, I can’t just talk about depression all of a sudden.

And during the last few months, I realized that I want to be able to talk about these things on here. I want to be able to write a funny post one day and write a serious one the next, and not feel weird about it. And recently it hit me that there was nothing actually stopping me from doing so; just myself.

So, yeah. I hope to be making the most of Winter Break, and I want to write a blog that has more of an emotional range than just bitter-sarcastic or happy-sarcastic. (Though let’s face it, I’m mostly gonna just joke around.)

There’s a lot of things I want to talk about, after all, so let’s see how it goes.

Advertisements

32 Replies to “In Which I Reevaluate My Life, My Blog, and Everything in Between”

  1. …I don’t know if it’s acceptable to offer hugs and a “if you need to talk to someone” to my arch-nemesis, but do I care?

    No. I don’t.

    If you need someone to talk to or a hug or some virtual cookies or a maybe an electronic clothed mole rat… I can help with the first three.

      1. Don’t be silly! I would never poison cookies! (Unless you mess with one of my peeps and need to die, but that’s a different story…)

        *hugs* If I needed to get rid of an arch nemesis, I’d offer hugs and then stab them in the back.

      2. Oh. Yeah, that does check out.

        …So were you the one that flipped out when you realized your hands had been stolen or were you the surprisingly serene one? My memory is good most of the time, but not today.

      3. Well this is the most touching thing I’ve read all day. You’re not trying to throw me off my game, are you? I hope you haven’t you figured out that my one true weakness is kindness.

      4. ‘Twas my pleasure. And of course I wasn’t trying to throw you off your game! I have better things to throw you off of. And no, I hadn’t heard that… put on your hat. It’s winter. It’s cold. Keep your ears warm.

  2. Welcome back Mattt!
    Re: “it’s kind of a funny story” & humour depression blog: same and same. I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better, and I’m glad to see that you’re back. (Also, it was kinda catchy. Not very, but kinda.)
    shalom xo

    1. Thanks!

      Aw, it was only *kinda* catchy? You should’ve heard the beat I made up to go with it. You’d be thinking, “hot damn, that’s fire. Sorry I doubted you, Matt.”

    1. Thanks. I’m glad to be back. My plan is to do a post a day until January 19th, when I go back for college. Not sure if I can do a post-a-day for over a month, but I already got the next week of posts lined up and scheduled, so I should at least last until Christmas.

  3. I’m so glad you’re feeling better. My mental health in college has been a mixed bag; in some ways I’m better than ever because A) I’m finally getting the help I need through therapy and B) there’s SO MUCH TO DO and SO MANY FRIENDS TO SEE there, which means I’m not nearly as sad and isolated as I am when I go back home to Indiana for breaks. (Like I am right now lmao.) Some days I barely function, though, and it doesn’t help that my parents aren’t around to scold me into Doing Things, so there’s also that.

    Anyway.

    It’s really good that you’re talking about this on your blog! I’ve always found that writing about things like this (and, well, Things in general) helps me to sort out my thoughts. 🙂

Feel free to leave a comment below.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s