In Which My Procrastination Reaches Worrying New Heights

Image result for spongebob essay the

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. You see, I decided to buckle down on serious writing a few months ago, so I promised myself I wouldn’t blog about anything until I finished a complete manuscript. The bright side: I wrote sixty-four thousand words thus far. The not-so-bright side: I hit a wall. A big, ugly, brick wall that I have not been able to chisel my way through.

(Is that an overused metaphor? I feel like it is.)

So I came back to the same mistake I always make: I switched to another project.

I’ve found that the hardest part of a novel is not the beginning, or the end, or even the middle. The hardest part is that area before the climax, where everything has to be set up just right. Beginnings, meanwhile, are nice and easy. That’s the part where the readers have no idea what to expect, so you could just throw shit at them and they won’t even mind as long as it’s interesting.

To be fair to myself, at least this time the project I switched to was the sequel, instead of some unrelated story about identical twins selling gum, or about a group of kids who go back in time and are chased by evil time-travelling mercenaries with flimsy motives.

Anyway, here are some things I’ve been doing so far this summer, in my pursuit of not writing:

  • I signed up for the premium option on WordPress. It may be a waste of money, or it may not, but hey, I can get a full refund within the next twenty-nine days. So here’s hoping I don’t forget.
  • I switched the theme of this blog again. What does everyone think? I like it, but there’s no way to put in a side-bar. If someone wants to read an old post of mine, how will they find it? I’ll try and figure that out. 
  • I’m back at McDonald’s again, mainly working the late nights. I’ve been doing a lot of 7 PM to 3 AM shifts, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, after seven  o’clock is where you get the most freedom at the job; you could snag all the fries you want and no one will care. But on the other hand, I do hate going to bed past three and waking up around noon every day. But on my third, grossly deformed hand: the seven to three shift goes by much faster than any other shift, because there’s so much to do and less people to do it. That sounds like a negative but it’s not. The more there is to do, the faster time flies.
  • I started watching American Gods, which has been amazing so far. I remember hearing that the show would go on for five seasons and I thought, “how could they stretch out one book for that long?” but it turns out I’m a fool for questioning the writers, because they’ve done a terrific job. 10/10, would watch again.
  • I also got into It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which is kind of like Seinfeld, in that it follows a group of self-centered assholes who never learn from their mistakes. It’s hysterical, but Danny DeVito hasn’t even shown up yet. Where is he? I was told he’d be here.

Anyway, hello again, and thank you to those who’ve stuck around all these years. You’re the best. I know I haven’t been the most consistent blogger, but I do hope to get back into the swing of things here. At the very least, I hope you enjoy it while it lasts.

In Which I Reevaluate My Life, My Blog, and Everything in Between

I’m back, motherfuckers, and I’m here to stay.
I’m bringing blogging back in a brand new way.
Yes, I know, it’s been a long time
But that don’t mean I can’t bust a sick rhyme!

…aaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s enough rapping for me. (Did it sound catchy in your head? I hope it sounded in catchy in your head.)

Image result for picture of the sea

So it’s been a few months since I haven’t blogged and I gotta say, it’s been a strange experience. 

Whenever a friend or family member from home would ask me how college was for me, I’d respond with two responses: “So far so good,” and, “it’s #lit,” and while both of those descriptions were accurate, I would never talk about the parts that weren’t so good, because I’m not that sort of person. I don’t talk about the things that truly bother me unless I can say it in a way that comes off as A. humorous, and B. not a big deal.

For the first two weeks or so of college, I had this constant pit of anxiety in my stomach. Sure, things went well — I very quickly found myself in a group of reliable friends, my roommate turned out to be perfectly respectable, and nothing embarrassing happened to me, as far as I can recall — but that feeling was still there. Every moment to myself I’d be reminded of it again.

It wasn’t homesickness, I don’t think. It was just this feeling that something was wrong. That I didn’t actually belong here, that this was all a waste of time, a waste of money, and that everything was going to come crashing down on me at any moment.

“But Matt!” you say, “what does this have to do with blogging?”

Well as you’re about to see, I’m going to talk about blogging again, and then try to awkwardly tie it together with my feelings towards college.

“Oh,” you say. “By the way, it’s disappointing that after all this time you’re still using the old, ‘hypothetical-reader-asks-question’ technique in order to transition to a new topic.”

Yeah, well, thanks for the talk.

. . . So during this time off from the blogosphere, I started thinking: why exactly had I started to drift away from my blog so much in the past year or two? I mean, back in 2013 I was able to successfully post every single day for the entirety of November, and as of July of this year, I couldn’t even maintain interest for a week. Why?

Image result for the letter Y

It’s because I’m a different person than I was in 2013, and I’m a different person than I was this July, and these changes will continue until I’m like, forty. Then I’ll just stagnate forever.

How am I different? Well for starters I think I’m becoming a more open person. The outer me and the inner me are becoming increasingly similar in real life, and that change hasn’t extended to this blog. Mostly because I haven’t been here. But also because I only really talk about the positive things in my life.

When I do talk about the negatives, I do it in a way that makes it seem trivial, unimportant, or I leave out the real problems.

Example: Remember how earlier this year I wrote a post about how I was failing Calculus, and cited my poor eyesight as the main reason? Well yeah, I did need those glasses, and getting them helped improve my life a lot. But I never mentioned those long periods of time through the last two years of high school where I couldn’t concentrate on anything; where an easy homework assignment would take me hours to finish, assuming I could even able to motivate myself to start it.

My parents would always see the report cards during these periods and they’d ask me if I was okay, and I’d always say yeah, and I’d get mad at them for assuming there was anything wrong with me to begin with. But of course there was a lot of things going on underneath the surface: I couldn’t stay interested for long in anything but TV and Reddit. I saw my grades falling and my odds of getting into any college shrinking, and I couldn’t bring myself to actually do anything to stop it. I kept thinking about how if I couldn’t handle this, how was I supposed to handle anything?

It would work in a cycle: I’d slowly sink into that mode where I mostly just slept and watched TV, and then something would snap me out of it, I’d try to salvage what I could of my grades by getting all my late work handed in, and I’d tell myself I’d never get that bad again. And for a week or two I’ll be fine, but then I’d feel it slipping and it’ll all come back, just as bad as before.

I probably should’ve seen a therapist, or have gotten some sort of help. That’s on the top of my list of “Things I’ve Never Done, but Probably Should Have.” Instead I read It’s Kind of a Funny Story, a book about a depressed teenager, roughly my age at the time, who almost commits suicide before admitting himself into a mental hospital. And while I was never nearly as bad as he was, I gotta say I was disturbed by how familiar his symptoms were.

I’m lucky in that I haven’t felt this way since high school ended. It went away during the summer, and I was so afraid that it’d come back hard during college, because that’s when depression and anxiety are the most commonly diagnosed. But it didn’t. Or at least it hasn’t yet. *fingers crossed*

You know what would have been nice, though? To have been able to talk about it on here. I certainly could have, and I even wrote a really long, detailed post describing how I felt at the time, but I never posted it because I felt like it was too much. It didn’t quite vibe with anything else I was writing. This is a humor blog, I figured, I can’t just talk about depression all of a sudden.

And during the last few months, I realized that I want to be able to talk about these things on here. I want to be able to write a funny post one day and write a serious one the next, and not feel weird about it. And recently it hit me that there was nothing actually stopping me from doing so; just myself.

So, yeah. I hope to be making the most of Winter Break, and I want to write a blog that has more of an emotional range than just bitter-sarcastic or happy-sarcastic. (Though let’s face it, I’m mostly gonna just joke around.)

There’s a lot of things I want to talk about, after all, so let’s see how it goes.

In Which I Officially Endorse a Presidential Nominee

“Something something Wall Street.”–Quote from Bernie Sanders, probably.

Otherwise titled: “In which I suddenly get political for no good reason.”

So I’ll be voting in the New York primary on the nineteenth, and things are really heating up. People have been arguing a lot, calling Bernie a communist and Hillary a criminal, and I meanwhile am trying to make sure that whoever I do decide to vote for is the least likely to turn the country into 1984. This way, if another candidate wins and the events of 1984 actually happen in real life, I can smugly say that I, at least, voted for the other guy.

So I’ve been doing mad research, actually paying attention to some of the debates and looking shit up on my own, and I have now officially made my decision.

Admittedly, this official decision is totally subject to change at any moment. If John Kasich were to send me a gift basket in the mail, I’d probably vote for him because, well, gift baskets are cool. But at the moment I’m supporting someone else, and you could probably guess who it is based on the picture above.

I see no difference.

Yep, Bernie Sanders. The guy who looks like Waldorf from the Muppets. Why would I vote for such a man, you ask? Well there are plenty of reasons: he’s refreshingly authentic, I sort of want to pet his head, and I love his accent. He’s been a supporter of civil and LGTBQ+ rights long before it became politically convenient. Plus he’s one of the few people in congress who truly seem to realize just how important this whole climate change thing is. I mean seriously, it’s the most important issue of our time, one that affects literally everyone on the planet, and there are people in congress who still haven’t gotten around to admitting that it’s a thing that exists.

(Fun fact: Donald Trump is on record saying that global warming is a conspiracy invented by the Chinese(?) and Ted Cruz believes it was fabricated by those goddamn liberals. Liberals are pretty sneaky though, so Ted may in fact be onto something here.)

He’s also on board with the legalization of marijuana, which is one of those stances that I feel like he should bring up more often. He may not be winning the minority votes, but I’m sure he’s kicking ass when it comes to pizza delivery dudes and snowboarders.

Oh, and I know this is stupid but I have to share: there is a diner nearby my house that I go to a lot, (usually on late weekend nights with my friends) and Bernie Sanders showed up there this Tuesday. That’s right, Bernie Sanders was at my favorite diner! I wonder what table he sat on. Hopefully it’s the booth in the corner where I always sit. That would be so cool.

But not everyone feels this way, of course. Many for legitimate reasons that I actually agree with. (The dude’s chill and all, but he ain’t flawless.) There are a lot of Americans who don’t think he’d be good for country. Some of these are people who don’t quite seem to understand the difference between communism, socialism, and democratic socialism. (Hint: they’re not the same thing.) And some are people who vote for Hillary because they think she has a better chance of winning the general election, which I don’t really get.

I mean, I don’t hate Hillary or anything, and if Sanders loses I’d easily vote for her over Ted Cruz or Donald Drumpf, but Sanders has a much better chance of winning the general election.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but a lot of people hate Hillary. Like, they really hate her.* She’s viewed as a criminal for the whole Benghazi thing and for the email scandal and for a dozen other reasons, and all the recent polls show that Bernie has a better lead against Trump and Cruz, whereas Clinton somehow doesn’t.

(*I was at a family party a couple weeks ago, and pretty much all of my adult family members said they’d vote for anyone but Hillary. Not saying this is indicative of all of America, but just thought I’d share. It boggles my mind, though, that someone could look at Trump, then look at Clinton, and actually think, “Yes, Hillary’s the one we need to avoid at all costs.” And not, y’know, the spoiled manchild who advocates war crimes and throws a fit every time Megyn Kelly asks him a question.)

Fun fact: Donald Trump is currently the most disliked Presidential Nominee in history, whereas Clinton comes in at second place. The only current nominee who is liked more than he’s disliked is Bernie, who’s supposedly unelectable. That’s just weird to think about.

And then there are those saying that the only people voting for Sanders are gullible college kids who want everything for free, which is fairly obnoxious assumption to make. These critics usually go on about how young people are so entitled and naive. They usually talk about participation trophies for a little bit, then they go on about how millennials don’t understand much about the real world and they’re all too lazy to vote anyway so the whole campaign is pretty much a waste of time. And not gonna lie, it pisses me off.

Stupid college kids, am I right? So entitled for not wanting to have to pay tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars for an education that may or may not get them a job in the future. So naive for thinking we could have universal healthcare in a world where pretty much every other developed country in the world has universal healthcare. What a bunch of suckers for thinking that a guy with morals could actually be president.

I’m an incoming college student who’s going to be voting for Sanders, not because I want free things. (Though admittedly that would be nice.) But because I care about the environment, I care about the rights of women and minorities, and I like a president who won’t go to war as anything but a last resort.

And also, uh, because of the whole legalization of marijuana thing. It seems like a good idea.

10 Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2016

“But Matt!” you say. “It’s eighteen days into the new year, and you’re only just now writing this post?”

Well in my defense, I was busy. Also, it was cold outside, and I was distracted by the lack of snow.

Well, here it goes.

1) Ski Club!

Fun fact: I have not actually been to a mountain yet this year, in part due to the complete and utter lack of snow so far. Thanks a lot, El Niño!

“My bad.”–Current El Nino

But hopefully they’ll be at least a little bit of snow soon, and I’ll be able to finally complete my transformation into the next Shawn White.

2) Finally getting to read The Winds of Winter

Is it considered a jinx if I just assume that the next book in A Song of Ice and Fire will be released this year? Well too bad, because if I don’t tell myself that, I will have to cry. And I am one ugly crier, I’ll tell you that. 

Oh, and is anyone willing to bet on the release date? Because my money’s on August 19th.

3) The completion of The Raven Cycle, by Maggie Stiefvater.

I can hear some of you saying things along the lines of, “But I haven’t read these books, so I can’t relate!” To which I say, “Well, you should probably get on that, real quick.”

Poot, Bodie, D’Angelo and Wallace are on a quest to find a mythical welsh king.

These books are magical, and they sort of remind me of HBO’s The Wire, which may seem ridiculous to anyone who’s seen The Wire and has read these books, but hear me out: the pacing, man. Maggie’s pacing in the first three books, at least, is so similar to the pacing of any season of The Wire (particularly seasons 1, 3, and 5), in that it’s extremely patient, and the moment you start to feel like not much is happening, everything starts happening at once, in a way that doesn’t seem rushed at all. The way both stories build momentum is nothing short of stunning. 

4) A Plethora of TV shows.

Orange is the New Black, Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Veep, The Walking Dead, possibly The Leftovers, all are coming back this year, and it’s going to be awesome. (Well, except for maybe the Walking Dead, but I’ll be watching it either way.) 

There’s also a TV adaptation of Stephen King’s time travel novel 11/23/63, starring James Motherfucking Franco, so that should be cool. 

I’m also hoping for a mini-series based on Stephen King’s It and The Stand, but that’s probably not going to happen. 

5) Finally finding out if those colleges accepted me or not.

I’ve gotten one acceptance letter so far, and another one didn’t decline me, but they instead put me on a waiting list. So that leaves three colleges of whom I shall patiently wait for a reply. 

This patient waiting has so far consisted of staying within view of my mailbox from 11 to 3 every day, and rushing outside the moment I see the mailman show up. I then open up said mailbox, only to be disappointed by the lack of large envelopes inside. 

Look at all these happy white people.

6) College!

I choose to believe that college is nothing but nonstop drugs, sex, and partying, and will continue to think of it as such until I actually get there, where I will promptly discover that I was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CORRRRREEECT! (#ooorah)

I know you can’t see me right now, but rest assured that I am currently fist-pumping in the air as hard as I can. And now I’m chugging an entire bottle of vodka, just to prepare myself for the binge-drinking that will be required of me in several months. Where did I get this vodka? I don’t remember, but it tastes like what mouth wash would’ve tasted like had it been mixed in hand sanitizer first.

Bernie wins the election for this look alone.

7) The Presidential Election.

I’ll be eligible to vote for the first time this year, and I definitely will, mostly because well, why would anyone not vote if given the chance? 

I haven’t watched any of the GOP debates. Well, I have, but I had to stop after just a little bit, because I was getting some serious 1984 vibes from it, and it was unnerving. The last democratic debate (basically, the only one I’ve watched in full), was a lot more bearable, although holy shit guys, the moderators had such an obvious bias against Martin O’Malley, it was just plain sad. (Why let the guy on stage at all if you’re not going to let him speak?) 

8) A spacecraft is totally going to land on Jupiter.

Fun fact: NASA has released a spacecraft that is set to land in that giant-ass planet in July, so that’s pretty cool.

And you should know that the fact that I’m now listing things that have no effect on me means that I am out of ideas, and am completely phoning in the last three bullet points.

9) The Summer Olympics!

I’mma be honest. I’d forgotten that the Olympics were even a thing that exists, but now that I’m reminded of it, I couldn’t be more pumped. Is Michael Phelps going to compete again? Will Usain Bolt run super duper fast this time or just super fast? Will anyone actually watch the golf tournament? Only time will tell.

10) The Super Bowl

Was it just me, or were last year’s advertisements for the super bowl really, really bad? I remember thinking, “Come on Coke. Come on Bud Light, Doritos, Ford, etc.. You spend millions of dollars per second on these ads and this is the best you could do? I’m disappointed. You all disgust me.”

Hopefully those companies will actually put some goddamn effort in this time.


Well, that’s all I could think of. How do you feel about this list? What are you looking forward to this year? Also, am I a terrible person, or is this GoDaddy commercial not the funniest thing ever? It was withdrawn from the Superbowl due to OUTRAGE and to be honest, I don’t really get why it’s so offensive. It’s shocking, definitely, but much better than the obvious sexism shown in all their other commercials.

Oh well. Maybe I am just a terrible person.

In Which an Idea I Made in Jest Becomes Surprisingly Serious

So a few months ago, I wrote a post in which i briefly mentioned hearing the ice cream man outside at two o’clock in the morning, and mentioned how that would make a really good horror story. People commented agreeing with me, and suddenly an idea for a story formed in my head, a story about someone (or something, eh?) who uses the ice cream truck in the middle of the night to lure kids outside without their parents knowing.

Then I did some research about the ice cream man, and oh boy, did I realize that this was the story I was meant to tell.

I wrote the prologue, which involved an abused, disfigured boy being kidnapped by an ice cream man with no eyes (you know, just normal prologue stuff), and then had to resist the urge to keep writing, because I’m working on another WIP, and I know that when I try to work on two projects, things never work out well. I usually just go back and forth, making ridiculously slow progress with both of them.

So I worked on my original WIP, and kept working on it, but that nagging voice at the back of my head kept saying, “Hey. Hey, Matt. You should work on that other story. You know, the one about the evil ice cream man?”

“No,” I said to the voice. “I know from many past experiences that that would only end badly.”

“But but but, ice cream!” said the voice. “You have all these great ideas. You can even use that drive-thru shooting scene that you tried to work into your other WIP but couldn’t because it didn’t fit.”

(The drive-thru shooting scene is an idea I came up with on one of those slow days working the McDonald’s drive-thru. Basically, I realized just how easy it would be for someone to go through the drive-thru and shoot me in the face as I handed them their food. They could just drive away, maybe wipe the blood off their car, and switch the license plate around and no one would ever know who it was. Except me, of course, but I’d be dead. I realized afterward that this would make an amazing surprise death scene.)

“Okay, fine!” I said. “I’ll focus on the other story,” and that was that.

So I titled the story, “I Scream for Ice Cream,” because of course I did, and I’ve been making decent progress with it ever since. It helps that halloween’s right around the corner, which should help get me in the spooky mood. 

What is this story about, you ask? 

Well, the story centers around a teenage girl, her best friend, and her best friend’s drug dealer, as each of them are stalked by an evil creature who drives an ice cream truck, who may or may not be human. (Haven’t decided that yet. I’m going to do the Stephen King approach and just sort of wing it.) 

I may end up publishing this as one of those interactive blog stories, but I won’t do it until I’m completely finished. 

Some other facts about this story:

  • The story takes place in a town called Simmer Lake, and much like Long Island, the town has an evil, intangible presence within it.
  • The ice cream man has bizarre looking eyes. “His eyes were all pupil — two black ovals above his nose, watching nothing and everything at once.”
  • George Clooney will make a cameo appearance.
  • He won’t, actually. 
  • If it does become a weekly published-on-my-blog sort of story, I am totally naming the characters after my followers, so you could all hate on me when I kill you off.
  • That last point could get really weird if I end up writing a sex scene.
  • I’m probably not going to include any sexual content, though, so all is okay. Although one of the characters may be tempted. *winkity wink*

Well, that’s all I have to say about that. If anyone would like to have a character named after them, please let me know. I’ve already named a character after one of you, by the way. (I just felt like the name fit the character well, in that instance.) 

Totally forgot to mention this . . .

I recently did a collaborative review with Engie @ Musings From Neville’s Navel, for the Doctor Who episode: “The Witch’s Familiar.” 

But Matt! That episode came out over a week ago, and the review itself came out five days ago. 

Yeah, well too bad. You should all go over and comment on it anyway, and then maybe check the rest of the blog out. Then you should go take that Sarcastic vs. Genuine quiz I did a few days ago, because c’mon, guys, I need more participants. 

In completely, one hundred percent related note, last night I had a dream that a release date for The Winds of Winter was announced, and then just twenty minutes ago I found myself questioning whether that had actually happened. It didn’t.

Needless to say, I’m disappointed.


“Life is meaningless and full of pain.”—-George R. R. Martin.

Updates on Me, My Life, and Other Things

You know what I hate? When bloggers who started out amazing suddenly start to neglect their blog, to the point where they only post every once in a while. And then all these posts start off with an apology, immediately followed with a boring excuse for ignoring their blog* and an empty promise that they will start posting more.

You know what else I hate? Seeing myself slowly become that blogger.

You may have noticed I haven’t been posting much lately. I haven’t been writing much lately either, or reading. With the exception of the last two days, I don’t think I’ve so much as finished a book since January. Wait, that can’t be right.

*checks Goodreads*

Okay, so I’ve read three books since February, but they’re all very short and one of them was assigned for school, so yeah.(?)

I’m starting to think I’m losing that artistic part of me, because for the past few months I have sort of lost that creative urge I used to have. If I was neglecting my blog, that was because I was either focusing on my own work in progress or I was simply reading a lot. Lately it’s been none of the above. Yes, I’ve been very busy lately, possibly busier than I ever have in my life, what with work and finals and the decreasing number of tomorrows I have to start studying for finals, but I think that’s more of an excuse I tell myself rather than an actual reason. I’ve always been busy, even back in November 2013 (high point of my blog, statistically speaking) when I was posting every single day. When there’s a will, there’s a way, as my mother always said,** and lately I haven’t had much of a will to post. Except for, y’know, right now.

Anywho, I don’t want to be that pitiful blogger mentioned in the first paragraph. I’m not going to promise I won’t become that, but I will provide you the various excuses I may use, so when I use them you could call me out on my complete lack of discipline.

  • Not enough time to blog. (Misleading. There’s never enough time to blog.)
  • I’m sick. (So was Michael Jordan during that one championship game, and he still won that like a champ.)
  • My computer wasn’t working. (Bullshit.)
  • I have a concussion. (Wait, I’ve already used that one.)***
  • I’m too caught up on other things. (What other things?)
  • I’m focusing on other writing at the moment. (Admittedly, this one is legit.)
  • I have homework to do. (So did Harry Potter, and he still managed to find time for adventure.)
  • I got food poisoning. (Pfft, food poisoning is the mildest type of poisoning. Get over it, Future Matt.)
  • My dog died. (Don’t have a dog.)
  • My cat died. (No one likes cats.)
  • I got my driver’s license. (Not an excuse. Just wanted you all to know.)
  • I’ll be volunteering at a nearby hospital this summer. (Also not an excuse; just thought that was interesting.
  • My brother got a job at Splashtown, so hopefully I’ll be able to go there for free. (This list has completely lost track of its original point. Time to move on now.)

I’m sick of making excuses. The truth is, I didn’t feel like writing. I lost that desire for a little while, simple as that. Fun fact about me: if I’m not blogging, it’s because I don’t feel like I have anything to say. I don’t want to make any promises that I’ll start to blog more (even if they’re true, they seem hollow while I write them), so instead I’m going to give you some updates on the glorious life of codename Matthew Black.

  • You see that video above? I’ve been listening to the music in the background for hours now, because I love it.
  • You know how I said I had a driver’s license? Well, the first thing I did after passing my test was drive (alone!) to a nearby Rite Aid’s. What did I get? 1) A bag of kit-kats, 2) some kraft mac & cheese, 3) Yoo-hoo, and 4) a bag of balloons. Life is great.
  • I legitimately am planning to volunteer at a nearby hospital this summer, because I’m thinking about pursuing a career in medicine, but I don’t want to go through 12+ years of training and education just to find out it’s not for me. So, yeah. Hopefully, my time there will be exactly like that show Scrubs.
  • My birthday is coming up soon. (May 9th.) I expect a birthday cake from all of you.
  • You know how I said I would probably quit my job at McDonald’s? Yeah, well that’s never going to happen. I love my job! Well not really, but I do enjoy being the guy who hands out the food in the drive-thru. I did so bad of a job the first time that it took six months for them to put me in that position again, but the second time around I am totally rocking it. I just wish they’d put me there more often.
  • A little while back, IHOP had this Free Pancake thing going on. I missed it.
  • Hey, if anyone knows anything about what it’s like volunteering at a hospital, please comment below.
  • I have a blog post scheduled for tomorrow, and it’s going to be a doozy, so hold on to your hats.

*Lesson to bloggers everywhere: don’t start your post off with an excuse for not posting unless it’s a legitimately interesting one. If you couldn’t blog because you were sidetracked with homework, don’t bother sharing. But if you didn’t blog because you were busy wrestling time-traveling pirates, then please do.

**She never said this.

***Just to be clear, I really did get that concussion.

****Is there a limit to the amount of asterisks you could use in a post? Because this is getting ridiculous.

To end this post, here’s a picture of what appears to be a cat wrapped inside a paper towel.

Game of Thrones: Season 5: To Watch or Not to Watch?

I am a hardcore fan of A Song of Ice and Fire, which may surprise some of you, considering how I never talk about it. Ever. Like, not even a little bit. So like many people across the globe, I am struggling with a bit of a dilemma. A conundrum, if you will. 

Thanks to George R. R. Martin’s notoriously slow writing pace (which isn’t even that slow, when you consider the sheer length and complexity of his books), the show has now reached the point where the show is going to finish before the books do, and it’s probably going to happen in this season. And now I’m stuck with the decision: do I continue watching the show and having the books spoiled, or I do I try to ignore the show and wait God knows how long for the next book to come out?

I started off by watching the show. I watched the full first season and loved every moment. Then my HBO subscription canceled at the worst possible time, and instead of just enjoying watching gratuitous nudity and people dying horrible, I was forced to read about it instead. And I know this may annoy some of you hardcore show fans when I say this, but the books are just so much better.

Don’t get me wrong, the show is brilliant and for the most part did a great job, particularly with characters like Cersei, Arya and Sam. (Stannis? Not so much.) And even when the show went off course, I didn’t care because I understood the reasoning behind most of the changes and I liked how it turned out. 

It’s understandable though, that with only ten episodes of time a season, the show’s not able to go into the depth that the books do, and certain characters pay the price. Such as Sansa, whose character development and storyline in the books is much more realistic and well done. (As in, she doesn’t suddenly turn into a master manipulator within the course of a single episode.) Then there’s Tyrion, who may be much nicer than his book counterpart, but comes not even close to his level of complexity. And then there’s Margaery, who— okay, I have nothing bad to say about TV Margaery. The show handled her perfectly.

(Side note: I really feel bad for the fans who started reading the series back in 1996. Imagine waiting almost twenty years for an ending only to have it spoiled by the TV adaptation. Just to put in perspective as to how much of a wait that is: Hell, I wasn’t even alive back in 1996. This may seem weird, considering I’ve been told I give off the impression of an ageless, all-knowing god, but alas it is true. There are poor unfortunate fans out there who’ve waited longer than my entire lifetime for the end of this series, and there’s still at least two more installments to go.)

What I’m trying to say is, I’d rather experience the ending by the books than the TV show. But because the series probably won’t be ending for at least another four years. I know that won’t be possible, because there will be spoilers. Spoilers everywhere. And because there’s no chance in hell The Winds of Winter will come before the end of season 5, I’m just going to watch this season and hope TWoW comes out before season 6.

So for anyone reading for the sole purpose of finding out whether I’m going to be reviewing this season’s episodes or not, the answer is yes, I will.

Better brace yourselves, readers, because my reviewing skills have improved tenfold since last summer. I’m like a reviewing wizard at this point. Zap! Zap!

That was the sound of my wizard curses, by the way.

Zap zap!

When is the Best Time to Publish a Post?

(I’m scheduling this for 9:00 AM, something I haven’t done in a long, long time.)

So lately I’ve been experimenting with the time I publish each post, to see which time gets the most amount of responses. I usually post things around 9:30 at night, but just yesterday I read one of those “How to be a better blogger!” sites (don’t judge me) and apparently, that’s the worst time to publish things?

“Whaaaatttt?????” I said, having read this particular nugget. “But I’ve been posting at that time throughout my blog’s two years and six days of life!” (Speaking of which, my blog’s two-year anniversary just passed. Thanks for noticing, you goons.) While what I’ve been doing seems to have generally wielded some nice results, I started to wonder: could I get even better results if I posted at an earlier time?

So yesterday I published my post at around 11:30 AM, to see if there was any noticeable difference in the responses. And unfortunately, the post didn’t do nearly as well as most of mine do. It got six ‘like’s, but I’ve never cared about those, so that doesn’t matter to me. What does matter to me are the amount of comments each post receives, and Why Splitting Mockingjay in Two was for the Best received none, which might have something to do with the time it was published.

Now, perhaps WSMiTwftB was just a really shitty post, and that was why it got no comments. (I mean, there’s a huge margin for error here.) Either way, I’m never posting anything at 11:30 AM again, just to be safe.

So my question for you folks is: when do you publish your blog posts? Do you have a specific time for it each day, or are you like I was up until a few days ago and put no thought into it whatsoever? And most importantly, is it unethical to download music illegally? I hope it isn’t.

Stuff that Happened, Announcements, and Other Things that Should Hopefully Interest You

So you may have noticed, I’ve been absent lately. I hope it didn’t bother you.

Oh, who am I kidding. I hope you panicked and spent every single minute of every single day refreshing my blog’s homepage, because that shows that you care and I love it when people care about me, especially if they do so in an unhealthy obsessive way.

As to why I’ve been absent? Well, it’s a funny story, really. It wasn’t funny at the time, but now that it’s all over I can let you in on it, and hopefully we’ll all laugh at it whilst sharing a nice cup of coffee together, just us.

So, you know that AP English class I signed up for back in June? Well, last week my teacher had us all do eight minute presentations in front of the class, talking about a theme shown in the non-fiction books we read over the summer.

Well, after several recommendations from wonderful commenters, I chose Dreams From My Father, by Barack Obama. (You may have heard of him.) And I’m going to let you all in on a little secret, but before I tell you it, I’m going to need you to lean in close to the screen so no one else hears.

A little closer…

Just a bit more…

Good. Well, here it goes:

I didn’t actually read the book.

Wait! Please don’t click the unfollow button! At least let me explain first. You see, I am a very lazy individual, who isn’t great at managing his time. I only started reading Dreams From My Father two days before the school year started, read six chapters, and realized there was no way I was going to finish the book in time before school started. So I only did the assignment, where I just had to select twelve quotes from the novel and write about why I liked them, which was so much easier than actually finishing the book. I told myself I was going to finish the book as soon as possible, but never got around to it. When an entire month went by and my teacher still hadn’t even mentioned the nonfiction books, I figured we would never have to do anything involving them anyway.

I figured wrong.

But that’s not the worst part. You see, the teacher allowed the students to pair up with anyone else who happened to have read the same book, yet out of all the kids in my class and the limited amount of books to choose from, I was the only one who picked Dreams from my Father, which meant I’d have to do the entire presentation instead of just a part of it.

So basically, I was all alone, having to give an eight minute presentation on a book I never actually read.

Thanks, Obama.

So now that I was involuntarily a lone wolf, I took matters into my own hands and spent the next few days reading the entire book, even staying home sick, just to catch up. And I was sick, by the way. With a, um, a headache. A really bad headache, that lasted two days and only went away when I was at work.


The good news: I got it done, was able to give an awkward presentation in class, and ended up getting a decent grade.

The bad news: I fell behind in all my other classes. I missed three tests, a physics lab, and worst of all, a game of school jeopardy where the winners were awarded candy.

Anyhoo, I stayed after school for today and last Friday in order to make up everything, and on Saturday I had to go to my grandparents house to move furniture around and later that night I had to go to a Halloween party that did not, in any way, involve underage drinking, because that is illegal, and teenagers always follow the law.

And on Sunday, I was reading The Miseducation of Cameron Post, which is one of those books that are really hard to stop reading. I realize this might not be a good excuse, but I’m sure you’ll forgive me in about two paragraphs. Moving on…

I also bought a laptop, using the money I made from working at McDonald’s, which means that I won’t have to share a computer with four other family members all the time. Also, I’ll presumably have more time to post, meaning. . .

I’ll be attempting NaBloPoMo again this November! Mostly because I feel like I need to redeem myself from the massive failure that was my last attempt at it, back in May. Wish me luck.

To end this post, I shall ask all the Walking Dead fans currently reading this: What did you think of last night’s episode? I need to discuss it with someone.

Oh, and American Horror Story fans: Is that show any good?

Hey, How’s It Going?

You know how I wrote that post in the beginning of the summer, talking all about how I was going to try to avoid the inevitable summer slump? Ha ha, yeah, that didn’t work out at all. I would make a few jokes about it, but I’m afraid it’s too soon for that and besides, I feel really, really bad.

Like, so bad.

As in, badder than Kangaroo Jack.

(Kangaroo Jack was a horrible movie, for anyone who hasn’t seen it. Basically, it centers around these two guys who decide to put a jacket—one with fifty thousand dollars in it— on a kangaroo because they thought it would be funny. Then the audience is supposed to feel bad for them when the wild animal runs away with all their money? Yeah, no. I reject that premise. I reject that whole movie and everyone even vaguely involved in it, and that includes the entirety of Australia. Screw you, Australians.*)

Anyway, I feel like the best way to make this up to you is to give you an idea of what I’ve been doing during these sad, post-less months.

Most importantly, I got a job, almost immediately after the post, “My Quest for a Job,” at McDonalds, and for the most part it hasn’t been completely terrible. The worst thing I’ve done so far was accidentally piss off my gym teacher’s wife. Basically, it was my first day working the counter and she ordered a caramel frappe, which I completely forgot about while trying to keep up with the dozens of other impatient customers in line. Let’s just say, she has a bit of a temper.

Besides angry gym teacher’s wives, my main problem at work seems to be ice cream cones. They are so much harder to make than they look, to me at least. The sheer amount of ice cream I’ve wasted due to botched attempts would make a little kid cry. Also, my experience on the drive-thru was nothing short of a nightmare. It was my second full day on the job, I barely knew what to do, the headset I was given was broken (and I didn’t know it was broken, so apparently people were giving me orders that I never even heard) and my boss was yelling at me to do things in an extremely thick accent the whole time. After fifteen minutes or so, I was taken off the drive-thru and reassigned to cashier. Not sure why.

On the bright side, yesterday I managed to go four full hours without embarrassing myself. I figured out where almost everything was on the menu, I understood how to make the coffee and the ice cream machine was broken so I never had to make any cones. Of course, tomorrow it will probably be fixed and all hell will break loose, but that’s in the future so I don’t really care.

In other news, I am afraid of my AP English teacher. Not because he’s a mean guy—far from it—but because of his eyes. He has full on crazy eyes, combined with a face eerily similar to Jack Nicholson’s from The Shining. He seems like someone who had three wives die from falling down the same set of stairs. Except I should probably put quotation marks around “falling” just to make it clear that they did not fall. He doesn’t give a lot of homework though, so he’s still good in my book.

In other news:

  • I’ve learned how to juggle.
  • I tried crab meat for the first time, and I loved it more than any other food in the world. Then I ended up eating too much of it at once, and now the very smell of it makes me want to vomit. Crab meat is awful now.
  • I did a collaborative review for the Doctor Who episode Listen, on Engie’s blog. You could also check out all the other reviews here, because they’re fantastic.

To end this post, here’s a picture of a frog I drew. Feel free to give it a name.

wpid-wp-1411784898624.jpg*Except, of course, for all the Australians currently reading this. You guys are great. *laughs nervously*

Plans for Summer

I don’t quite understand this quote.

Those of you who’ve been following my blog for over a year now, should know about a certain condition I have. It’s a very serious illness, known as “Mentalgenophobaticanastesiosis,” and is most commonly found in sixteen year old males with the initials M.B., who also have a pre-existing condition known as the “font fetish,” but let’s not go into that right now.

The only known cure for this illness is found in a rare flower, indigenous to the coast of New Zealand, known as the Tulrose, which is a bizarre cross between a tulip and a rose. Unfortunately this flower has appeared to have gone extinct, so I’m going to have to wait a few months for the symptoms to go away. One of these symptoms is the tendency to ignore my blog, and writing in general, in favor of just about anything else. This always take place during the summer, when I have the most free time, which is perhaps the most frustrating type of irony there is.

Classes ended two days ago, but I’m already starting to slack. For instance, I was planning to write a post all week, but I was distracted by this fancy app (Fun Run) on my phone and started playing that for an hour or so. Then my phone died, and I thought, “Good, time to work on that post,” but then I felt hungry and decided that those chocolate chip cookies my mom bought earlier that day desperately needed to be eaten, and then I visited a Game of Thrones forum and got in an argument with a guy who hated Sansa Stark, and I was all “What? You can’t hate on Sansa, she’s fabulous!” But back to the point:

This summer will be different (fingers crossed), because I’ll have a job, (or at least, I’ll be looking for one) and I’ll be learning to drive (driving is fun), I also have a passable social life (love those) and I’ll be working on that novel I failed to finish (it will win a Pulitzer Prize) along with the More Than I Can Chew posts (sorry it’s taking so long, I’m stuck between two projects). I’ll also be trying to visit Six Flags as much as humanly possible, which should give me time to think up lots of writing material while I’m waiting in all those lines. But I also kept myself mostly busy last summer, and I still barely posted. So here are some things I’m doing to avoid wasting my entire summer.

1: I will get my more dedicated followers to bug me if I don’t post for more than three days. I want you to comment saying something like, “Hey Matt, write a goddamn post, you lazy bastard.” You know, just as a reminder that this blog does, in fact, exist. You could be as rude as you want and I’ll still thank you. Keep in mind that I love comments more than anything else in the world, and I (almost) always respond, plus I’ll usually check out the commenter’s blog. So commenting is a win-win situation for both of us.

2: If I go more than two weeks without posting, just assume I’m dead. After all, I plan to go on a dangerous quest to avenge my third cousin’s uncle’s death, and I might not return with my life. So me no longer being alive is a very plausible explanation for my absence. If I am alive, that means I’m either being extensively tortured by a sadistic psychopath, or I’ve been kidnapped by the Legendary Miko. Probably both. Either way, feel free to leave a bunch of heartfelt comments saying how great of a guy I was, and to confess any romantic feelings you may have for me, because let’s face it: we all know you do.

If I know you’re all going to assume I died if I don’t post, I’ll force myself to write something, to spare you all the emotional pain.

3: I will vacuum the pool a lot. I have a sexy pool in my backyard, one that you’re all free to swim in this summer, providing you let me know ahead of time. (I don’t like to unexpectedly find strangers swimming in my pool.) Anyway, it always falls on me to be the one vacuuming it, and while I don’t enjoy the job, it does give a lot of time to think, providing I’m not be harassed by that one fly that keeps flying around my face. I usually think of a lot of golden writing material here, most of which I forget by the time I get a chance to write it down. I even came up with a theme song for that obnoxious fly:

“I’m a cool bug,

and I’m here to stay.

I’m bringing bugs back in a brand new way.”

I forgot the rest.

Anyway, this is where I tend to think of post ideas, and some specific jokes and sentences I’d like to include in them. Now if only I had a waterproof laptop with me so I could write all the ideas down the moment I get them…

(And to think, some mother from a third world country is saying to their child “How can you complain about poverty and disease, when there are kids in America who don’t even have waterproof laptops? Have you no sense of perspective?” And that thought makes me feel terrible. Excuse my while I donate to

So yeah, that’s all. If you’re reading this and you’re afraid I’ll stop posting forever, don’t think, “Better just unfollow now.” Instead, think, “It’s time to harass the shit out of him until he writes a new post.” I wouldn’t think any less of you for it.

Besides, writing is one of those things I can’t not do. No matter how long I’m gone, I will always come back, with a vengeance. Unless I’m dead. If that’s the case, refer back to #2.

  • I’m reading The Way of Kings, by Brandon Sanderson, after taking a break from it for a while. Sanderson’s a boss.
  • I didn’t write a review for last week’s Game of Thrones episode, so I’ll write a short one here: It was good, but I would’ve loved it so much more if I hadn’t read the books. I’d spoil a few things if I were to elaborate further.
  • I’d like to write a young adult murder mystery. We need more of those.