Sarcastic or Genuine? A Game You’ll All Enjoy

I am occasionally a very sarcastic person, making random, unnecessary comments towards people with the ferocity of a particularly angry kitten. While this has its perks — it’s given me a bunch of wonderfully like-minded readers — it does have its downsides. For example, some people will read my sarcastic comments and think I’m being genuine. Or people will read my genuine statements and think I’m being sarcastic. You can see how this could be an issue, right? 

For example, take something I said in a forum a few months ago: “Treating women as human beings? That’s crazy!” 

Now imagine if someone had read that, without knowing much about me at all. “Wow,” they’d say. “Matt doesn’t think women should be treated like people? Well it looks like he’s just shown his true colors.” Then said person would unfollow me, and start an online petition demanding I delete my blog and jump off a bridge. Because this is the internet, millions of people would sign that petition without even bothering to fact check, and the next thing you know I’d be plummeting off the nearest bridge, wondering how it all went wrong. 

So to avoid that situation, I’ve thought of a game designed to test and improve your sarcasm detectors, particularly when it comes to me. Below are a list of sentences from past blog posts taken completely out of context, and in the comments below you’ll have to decide whether it’s sarcastic or genuine. Winner gets a shoutout in the next post, along with a high-five and bragging rights. S/he also gets the title of “Head Engine.” (It’s like a head minion, but not quite as good for the environment.)

So just to make sure we’re clear, this is how you’d answer them in the comments. Each statement will be numbered: 

  1. “The best feeling ever is when you tell a joke to a group of people, and none of them laugh.”

Your comment would be something like, “1: sarcastic.” Perhaps you can include an explanation to why you think it’s sarcastic, but I wouldn’t take points off if you didn’t.

So: let’s begin.

  1. “I felt really bad about it, too.”
  2. “I love it when it rains outside.”
  3. “Things would be so much happier there if they all just, like, chilled out, y’know?” 
  4. “But we also got a tiny tardis, so all its flaws are forgiven.” 
  5. “I was like Employee of the Month material, right then and there.” 
  6. “This is a tough one.” 
  7. “Everyone there was friendly and likeable.” 
  8. “Thanks for the pep talk, Dad.”
  9. “I expect a birthday cake from each of you.”
  10. “I don’t usually condone murder, but someone needs to kill that guy behind me who kept clapping every ten minutes.”

Good luck in the comments, although I must say, I doubt anyone will get all of them correct. There are some tricky ones in there.

My Weaknesses and Strengths as a Writer (This should be fun.)

The TCWT blog chain is back! Admittedly it’s been back for a long time, but I didn’t do last month’s prompt because reasons. But I’m turning seventeen in four days (mark your calendars, people) and I realized that I only have thirty-six months of the blog chain left, so I better make them all count. This month’s prompt is an easy one:

“What is your greatest weakness as a writer? What’s your greatest strength?”

Sorry, did I say this was an easy prompt? Well, by easy I meant “harder than trying to avoid getting spoiled for Avengers: Age of Ultron.” I mean seriously, is anyone not talking about that movie? Even my dog is talking about that movie, and I don’t even have a dog.

Okay, the prompt isn’t that hard. Though I can see how it would be. Most writers aren’t too great at pointing out their weaknesses, which is why they have people like beta readers and random people they find on the street to point them out for them.

Note: I said most writers. I am not like most writers. For one thing, I’m significantly better looking (ladies? *wiggles eyebrows*) and am completely aware of all my strengths and weaknesses. I’m just too lazy to fix them.

The Weaknesses:

  • I abuse semi-colons; like, a lot.
  • I have two default tones: goofy and angsty. Romantic and extremely emotional scenes are always nearly impossible for me to do, unless it’s related to emotional experience I’ve had in my life. (See: The strengths.)
  • I’m still not entirely sure what it means to split an infinitive, so for all I know I’ve been doing this for years and have been driving my reader’s crazy. Don’t get me wrong, people have explained the “Never split infinitives!” rule to me before, but it never seemed like an important rule and I quickly forgot about it.
  • I’m bad at coming up with names. And once I’m set on a name, I don’t like to let it go. For instance, in one WIP (I’m still working my 550,000th draft of it, by the way. There was a minor character named Matthew Black. He was a really smooth-talking guy with nice hair, and was in charge of this mutant training organization. A real stand-up guy. When I was thinking of a pseudonym for this blog, I went with the same name. (The fact that I took a smooth-talking character from my own novel as a pseudonym, make of that what you will.) However, in my latest drafts, the character of Matthew Black has evolved into a significantly darker character, responsible for at least eight deaths and not afraid to commit more if it serves his cause. And I still haven’t changed his name, or mine.
  • Am not particularly good when it comes to writing villains.
  • I don’t write nearly as often as I should. This right here is my greatest weakness. In pretty much any writing guide you’ll ever read, “Write a lot,” and “Read a lot” are the two tips that are always there. And yet I am wildly inconsistent with both of them. I’ll go through long periods where I’ll write a lot but not read, or I’ll read a lot but not write. And then there are those sad little periods where I do neither. I’m in a writing period right now, but I’m not sure how long that’ll last.

The Strengths:

  • I like to think I’ve gotten a lot better at writing female characters. Back when I was like, twelve years old, there’d only be one girl, and she’d be the stereotypical Strong Female Character. But now there are multiple well-written characters with their own agencies and personalities with a proportional effect on the plot. I know, this should be normal and not a big deal, but I think twelve year old me would’ve been impressed.
  • I’m good at writing angsty characters.
  • I am fantastic at portraying the sheer awfulness that middle school students are capable of. While not all middle school students are bad, this is the age where pretty much everyone is at their worst. At best they are awkward and self-conscious. At worst they are a bunch of whiny entitled brats with next to no concept of empathy whatsoever. I know this because I was stuck with the worst kids ever for two years, and their shitty antics always manage to pop up in my stories, one way or another.
  • Also, I’m good at writing middle school kids, the good and the bad.
  • I’m good at pacing.
  • I’m good at writing beginnings.
  • The first third of all my stories are always the easiest to write (and easiest to read, I’m told).
  • “I no longer rely too much on adverbs,” I whispered very very quietly.
  • My comic relief characters have a weirdly high mortality rate.
  • I always manage to resist the urge to plagiarize.
  • I’ve mastered the art of understatement.
  • I’ve been told I’m funny.

And that’s all for this post. There’s probably more to the list, but I’m too lazy to think of them all. And besides, for most of the important parts of writing, I fall somewhere in the middle, where I’m not consistently weak or strong in said area.

Now if you excuse me, the ice cream man is driving by my house for the first time in nine months. I will go and enjoy a sour apple flavored snow-cone.

May 2015 blog chain prompt/schedule:

Tuesday May 5th — The Little Engine That Couldn’t

Wednesday May 6th — Ariel Kalati, Writer

Friday May 8th — Galloping Free

Saturday May 9th — Miriam Joy Writes

Sunday May 10th — The Ramblings of Aravis

Wednesday May 13th — Light and Shadows

Friday May 15th — Musings from Neville’s Navel

Saturday May 16th — The World of the Writer

Tuesday May 19th — Butterflies of the Imagination

Wednesday May 20th — Introspection Creative

Friday May 22nd — Spellbound

Sunday May 24th — Unikke Lyfe

Monday May 25th — The Long Life of a Lifelong Fangirl

Wednesday May 27th — Against the Shadows

Friday May 29th — Teens Can Write, Too, announcing June’s chain

How does Music Relate to your Writing?

So, I know one of New Year’s Resolutions was to not miss important deadlines, but I actually have a good excuse this time. About a week ago I found myself with a tiny bit of a concussion. I wish I could say I got the concussion in a badass way, like snowboarding down a cliff or falling off a rollercoaster, but unfortunately that is not the case. Instead I had a door “accidentally” slammed into my face. I put “accidentally” in quotation marks because I have the sneaking suspicion that it was not an accident. That guy was out to get me.

While getting the concussion was fun and all, it did make it hard to concentrate, (having to read The Great Gatsby was as rough as the other side of a sponge) and writing was all but impossible. Hell, it took me five hours just to write that last sentence alone. (Kidding!) But I’m getting better now, so that’s good.

Now, onto the prompt:

Prompt: “How does music relate to your writing?”

This is a tricky question, because half the time I prefer to write in silence, and when I do write with music on, it’s always movie soundtracks. I never listen to songs with lyrics while writing, because gosh darnit, it’s distracting. Take The Hanging Tree, for example:

Did you find that song hauntingly beautiful? Did a single, mockingjay-shaped tear fall artfully down your cheek whilst listening? If not, you are a terrible person with an even more terrible taste in music. You should be ashamed.

While I love this song and everything about it, I don’t listen to it while writing because I know I won’t get anything done. I’ll just start humming along and typing the lyrics as I go. (are you? are you? coming to tree…) Which is why I only listen to the song while doing other, less important things. Like homework.

I also make it a point to listen to a song that coincides with the mood I’m trying to purvey. Because if I’m listening to sad music, the scene will seem sadder to me, even if it isn’t. Sad songs include: Hans Zimmer’s Time, Hans Zimmer’s Watch the World Burn, and Max Richter’s Those Left Behind

When I’m writing an action scene, I have action-y music playing in the background, like Inception’s “Mind Heist.” or the Bourne Supremacy’s “Berlin Foot Chase.” Or Murray Gold’s “The Majestic Tale (of a Madman in a Box)” which is without a doubt the best soundtrack the show’s ever had. In fact, I think went a month where all I listened to were the different “I am the Doctor” melodies, right here.

Only when I’m writing romantic/happy scenes do I include songs with lyrics in them. This is because I rarely write happy scenes and my romantic scenes are always awful. In fact, here’s an actual transcript of a scene I wrote the other day.

“Sup girl,” said Devin Devinsky, who looked like a total badass in his leather jacket and fancy sunglasses. He was on a motorcycle. “Wanna go for a ride?”

Lisa felt a flutter in her chest. Was this love?

Not my best piece of writing, I’ll admit. Anywho, the romantic songs I generally listen to are “I Got you Babe,” by Etta Jones, and Dreaming of You by the Coral, the latter of which was played during the sexiest scene of Scrubs ever. 

And then there are the soundtracks that are just plain epic; that purvey so many different emotions that I can’t simply categorize it as “sad” or “happy” or “action-y” (that’s a word). For example, there’s the soundtrack Cornfield Chase and Day One, which both make me feel sad and hopeful at the same time. Like we’re all going to die due to some catastrophic event, but it’s all going to be okay somehow. Then there’s Hans Zimmer’s “I’m Not a Hero,” which I will insert here simply due to the fact that I really want you all to listen to it, especially that last minute. 

I have no idea how to describe that last twenty seconds, except with lots of exclamations points, so here I go: 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, that whole thing at the end (I wish I knew what it was called or how to describe it), gets me so pumped up. I want to run right now. I want to punch someone in the face (in a cool, badass way). I want to fly around Gotham and beat up thugs and criminals, just because of that twenty seconds of brilliance. Too bad I can’t, because, y’know, concussion. 

So, how does music relate to your writing? That is the question.

Below is a list of all the other TCWT participants:

The Book is Not Always Better

(Just kidding, it is.)

For the TCWT blog chain, the prompt is:

 “What are your thoughts on book-to-movie adaptions? Would you one day want your book made into a movie, or probably not?”

I like this topic, because it’s very broad and I can go in almost any direction I want, providing it’s not to the right. There’s a giant needle sticking out of the wall on my right side, and I’m trying to avoid it. Anywho…

Life is rough for book-to-movie adaptations. Not only must they be able to stand on their own two feet as a movie—a completely different type of entertainment than a book— but they also have to put up with all the die-hard book purists that throw a fit over every minor change.

(Note: I am occasionally one of those diehard book purists. Example: The Shining.)

I think we need to stop being so hard on these, poor, misunderstood movies. Directing an adaptation is like being forced to walk on a tightrope above Niagara Falls*, except on one side of the rope, there’s a bunch of crazy book-readers shouting “YOU’VE RUINED THE WHOLE SERIES!” and on the other side there’s a bunch of snobby movie critics saying things like, “I feel like this movie caters way too much to the fans of the book, to the point where it doesn’t stand on its own as a movie. Also, not enough symbolism, and the juxtaposition between motifs was a bit clumsily done. 2/5 stars.” And if the book in question is a young adult novel, then the critics will undoubtedly compare it to Twilight or Harry Potter, no matter what it’s about.

It’s a lot like basing a movie off a cartoon from the nineties, except with those you have people complaining “YOU’VE RUINED MY CHILDHOOD!” because as it turns out, it’s possible to destroy someone’s entire childhood simply by making a bad movie based off a show they used to like. Who knew?

I think people need to remember that a movie is completely different from a novel, and that some things that would work well in a book would look terrible in a movie. For example, Daenerys Targaryen is only thirteen when the first book of A Song of Ice and Fire started. Things would not have gone well if the producers behind Game of Thrones hired a girl who was actually thirteen to play her.

With many adaptations though, it can be frustrating, because some books have so much potential to be great, but the people producing it are clearly out to get you, and are intentionally making it terrible just to piss you off, so it seems. Why can’t they let me write the scripts for all the adaptations I’m interested in? It’s so unfair.

That being said, if some sketchy looking guy with a sketchy looking suit and tie came up to me and asked my permission to make a movie off of my novel, I’d probably say yes, because a movie is basically just one big advertisement for your book. If a trailer looks good, all the book-snobs watching it will think to themselves, “Quick, I need to read the book before this comes out. This way I could complain about how disappointing the movie is.”

Even better would be a book-to-TV adaptation, like Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead. Speaking of which, HBO really needs to write a mini-series for The Stand, by Stephen King. Just saying, I think it’d work out well.

Sorry if this post is a bit scattered.

Now click on the links below for the rest of the blog chain!

5th – http://nasrielsfanfics.wordpress.com/

6th – http://theloonyteenwriter.wordpress.com/

7th – http://sammitalk.wordpress.com/

8th – https://thelittleenginethatcouldnt.wordpress.com/

9th – http://insideliamsbrain.wordpress.com/

10th – http://maralaurey.wordpress.com/

11th – http://charleyrobson.blogspot.com/

12th – http://taratherese.wordpress.com/

13th – http://theweirdystation.blogspot.com/

14th – http://fairyskeletons.blogspot.com/

15th – http://musingsfromnevillesnavel.wordpress.com/

16th – http://novelexemplar.wordpress.com/

17th – http://magicandwriting.wordpress.com/

18th – http://mirrormadeofwords.com/

19th – http://www.brookeharrison.com/

20th – http://miriamjoywrites.com/

21st – http://eighthundredninety.blogspot.com/

22nd – http://unikkelyfe.wordpress.com/

23rd – http://aaronandtamarabooks.blogspot.com/

24th – http://www.butterfliesoftheimagination.weebly.com/

25th – http://erinkenobi2893.wordpress.com/

26th – http://turtlesinmysoup.blogspot.com/

27th – http://missalexandrinabrant.wordpress.com/

28th – https://teenscanwritetoo.wordpress.com/ – The topic for July’s blog chain will be announced.

*I saw a guy do this once. It was amazing.

Confessions

  • I always vote once on the More Than I Can Chew polls. I can’t help it.
  • A few posts ago, I lied about being Sherlock Holmes. Seriously, I’m not him.
  • Whenever I see someone reading a book in public, or simply carrying it, I always try to find out the title without being too obvious. If the book is a favorite of mine, I’ll immediately start to like the person more.
  • I’m addicted to cough drops. I’ve had about five today and I don’t even have a cold. Should I see help? Nah, I can stop anytime I want. Not that I’d want to…
  • I’m secretly attracted to cheese.
  • I’m not interested in reading Divergent, unlike everyone else in the galaxy. Sure, I read the first two chapters, but I wasn’t really intrigued enough to keep going, (though I’m sure I’ll end up reading the whole series because, y’know, peer pressure). My main reason is that the whole premise just seems stupid. A society where people are divided by their personalities, of which you could only pick one despite the fact that people are naturally much more complex than that? With books like The Hunger Games and The Giver, you can at least see the reasoning behind the society’s structure. But here, it’s like whoever came up with this new system was asking for a revolution. (Although it would be awesome if that was revealed to be the case.)
  • I’m lying about at least one of these confessions.
  • I secretly wish I could host the TCWT blog chain for a month, even though, at the moment, I can’t come up with a decent prompt.
  • I take way too much pride at the fact that if you google “TCWT,” my blog is the fourth link to show up.
  • I’ve been working on a “Fifteen Rants in Less than 1,000 Words” sequel for months now and I’m not even close to done. The problem is, I keep coming up with rants inside my own head while I’m mowing the lawn or taking the test. Situations where I can’t write them down, and then I forget them ten minutes later. It’s a little frustrating when the only thing I can remember about an idea was that it was really good.
  • This post was written because I couldn’t think of anything else. That doesn’t make it any less amazing, however.
  • Here’s a picture of a cat.

The Worst Fictional Worlds to Live in

The blog chain is back! And Miriam Joy couldn’t have picked a better prompt:

Which fictional world would you most like to be a part of, and what role do you think you would fulfill within it?

Excuse me while I think back to all my favorite fantasy/sci-fi novels and think of the ones with the best settings. There’s Harry Potter, the Lord of the Rings, A Song of Ice and Fire (only just finished the first book), and The Dark Tower series.

If I could be in the completely real fictional world of Harry Potter, I’d probably be unemployed and living on the streets. It’s a sad truth: the wizard economy would never work in real life. Why would anyone hire a fellow witch/wizard when they could get a house elf to do the work for free? Or they could just flick their wand around and whatever they need doing will be done. Magic has unfortunately made 90% of the wizarding population useless.

And I know what you’re thinking: “Matt, why can’t you just wave your wand around and make food and money appear out of thin air?” Well first off, I can’t magically make those items, according to the Five Principal Exceptions to Gamp’s Law. And besides, I’m a forgetful person. I would have lost my wand within a week of buying it.

So it looks like I’ll have to pass on Harry Potter’s world.

Then there’s middle earth, which I’ll also have to pass on. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m secretly afraid of elves. (Although luckily they all seem to be leaving soon.) The same could be said of Alagaësia.

I’d be okay with living in Westeros (I’d be a stable boy, because stable boys are cool), if it weren’t for the fact that everyone in this world seems to be some sort of scheming psychopath. Anyone with a conscience ends up dead.

There’s also the problem of the uneven seasons. Not only is this annoying, but it causes a bunch of problems the books have (so far) failed to address. First of all, how exactly do plants grow without a proper seasonal cycle? Where is all this food coming from? And how do they even measure the years?

And don’t even get me started on Panem.

I guess if I had to choose a fictional world to live in, it would be Narnia. Sure, it’s not perfect, what with its lack of antibiotics and all, but at least there’s talking animals. And there’s always the chance of me escaping into my own world (which I prefer). Hopefully, I’d end up as either a farmer, or a professional high-fiver. Either one’s fine.

Writing this post made me realize how horrible most fictional worlds are. Out of all the worlds mentioned above, I think Harry Potter’s is the safest, and I haven’t even mentioned the whole “Dark Lord Trying to Kill Everyone” thing. Even though everyone wants to live in a nice, safe, Utopian society, writers have accepted the fact that Utopias are boring. Dark, gritty worlds with high mortality rates are much more interesting.

Other Participants:

December 4th: Against the Shadows.

December 5th: Deborah Rocheleau.

December 6th: The Little Engine That Couldn’t.

December 7th: Relatively Curious.

December 8th: The Magic Violinist.

December 9th: Laughing at Live Dragons.

December 10th: This Page Intentionally Left Blank. 

December 11th: Kira Budge: Author.

December 12th: Brooke Reviews.

December 13th: Next Page Reviews.

December 14th: Susannah Ailene Martin.

December 15th: Musings From Neville’s Navel.

December 16th: Mirror Made of Words

December 17th: Woah!

December 18th: Lily’s Notes in the Margins.

December 19th: Wheat and Wine.

December 20th: Please Forget My Story.

December 21st: An MK’s Meandering Mind.

December 22nd: Miss Alexandrina 

December 23rd: Unikke Lyfe.

December 24th: Miriam Joy.

TCWT Blog Chain: I’ve Googled Some Strange Things

For this month’s TCWT Blog Chain, the prompt is:

“What are some of the coolest/weirdest/funniest/most disturbing things you’ve researched for a story?”

I’ve looked up some weird stuff for my story. Some of them have gotten me in a lot of trouble, specifically “How to blow up a hotel.” Don’t freak out; I had a perfectly good reason for having searched that. In the novel I’m writing, a certain bad guy blows up a hotel, and I wanted to think of a realistic way to do that. It’s a perfectly normal thing to google. My only mistake was looking it up while using a hotel’s internet connection.

That being said, if someone read my google searches out of context, they’d think I was some type of serial killer. I rarely write contemporary fiction. The stories I write usually take place in the modern world, and usually involve some type of science fiction quality. And a lot of people tend to die. Because I like killing people.

You see how bad those last two sentences would sound if they were taken out of context? God knows what someone would think if they had only read them and not the rest of the post.

So before I make a list of all the weird things I’ve researched (I’ve literally copied and pasted them all from my Internet search history from a couple months ago. Then I improved the grammar and spelling to be easy on your eyes.), I want you to remember that these are completely taken out of context, and I am not a serial killer.

  • How long does a shot to the stomach take to kill someone?
  • Cool sounding names.
  • Types of meth
  • Best ways to get rid of a body?
  • Dumps nearby New York City.
  • Abandoned Buildings in New York City.
  • The Hudson River
  • Burning a body?
  • What would you need to dissolve a body?
  • What chemicals did they use to dissolve the body in Breaking Bad?
  • River Song is a cougar.
  • Definition of plagiarism.
  • Would New Jersians find this offensive?
  • Pros and Cons of 1st person narrative.
  • Pros and cons of 3rd person narrative.
  • Is there such a thing as fourth person narrative?
  • How to delete your internet history?
  • Is it possible to be your own dad from time travel?

Admittedly, the River Song search didn’t have much to do with any of my work in progresses, but everything else did. There was some more, but those were the only ones I looked up on the computer I’m writing this on right now. Plus, these were the only interesting ones. All the other searches had to do with choosing character names and other boring stuff.

If there’s a lesson to be learned in all this, it’s that you should never let your parents find out you’ve been looking up “How to dissolve dead bodies” in your spare time. It gives them the wrong idea.

Sorry if this post seems rushed. I completely forgot about this blog chain about an hour ago and I can’t use this computer after seven PM, so I had to write it fast.

Participants:

5thhttp://theloonyteenwriter.wordpress.com/

6thhttp://deborahrocheleau.wordpress.com/

7thhttp://bloodoverithaca.wordpress.com/

8thhttp://charleyrobson.blogspot.com/

9thhttp://musingsfromnevillesnavel.wordpress.com/

10thhttp://nonconformistwriter.blogspot.com/

11thhttp://dearsaul.wordpress.com/

12thhttp://missalexandrinabrant.wordpress.com/

13thhttp://insideliamsbrain.wordpress.com/

14thhttp://cinderscoria.blogspot.com/

15thhttp://emilyvaneaton.wordpress.com/

16thhttp://www.brookeharrison.com/

17thhttp://thespasticwriter.blogspot.com/

18thhttp://veewhoa.wordpress.com/

19thhttp://www.mandilynn.com/

20thhttp://theteenagewriter.wordpress.com/

21sthttp://avonsbabbles.wordpress.com/

22ndhttp://realityisimaginary.blogspot.com

23rdhttp://miriamjoywrites.wordpress.com/

24thhttp://anomalous93.blogspot.com/

25thhttps://thelittleenginethatcouldnt.wordpress.com/

26thhttp://ktlemonhead.wordpress.com/

27thhttp://dreamerheadquarters.wordpress.com/

28thhttp://paulinaczarnecki.wordpress.com/

29thhttp://www.lilyjenness.blogspot.com/

30th – http://teenscanwritetoo.wordpress.com/ (We’ll announce the topic for next month’s chain)

TCWT March Blog Chain: A Letter to Voldemort

Awesome new badge, btw

TCWT Prompt:

“Write a letter to an antagonist.”

I know someone’s going to roll their eyes at this post due to the fact that I picked the most obvious villain to write a letter to. I have a good reason for this. While I was reading some other posts in this chain, there were many cases where I had no clue who the villain the person was writing to was, and didn’t bother to read it because I knew there would probably be spoilers or I wouldn’t get any of the jokes, and I bet a lot of other people felt the same way. So I picked a villain that just about everyone knows about: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

photo credit: wikipedia

(This letter takes place directly in the beginning of the Order of Phoenix)

***

Dear Voldemort,

Hello, Tom. Can I call you Tommy? Tommy’s a great name. I once knew an older kid named Tommy who used to sell me candy for cheap prices. He has now become a drug dealer, which admittedly isn’t the best profession, but he’s doing a great job at it, so good for him.

Anyway, I’d like to congratulate you for your grand return to human form—or whatever type of snake-like creature you’ve managed to turn yourself into. You should have seen Harry’s face at the end of the triwizard tournament! He was crying his eyes out over Edward Cullen’s dead body and was trying to convince everyone you were back. Don’t worry; almost no one believed him.

While I don’t wish to disturb you on your quest for the death of all muggles, squibs, mudbloods and half-bloods, I do ask for a few favors. Actually, they’re more like demands, and you will follow them because I currently have a team of sniping ninjas watching you, aiming their guns at your forehead as you read this.

Allow me to explain to a wizard like you: a gun is very much like a wand, except there’s not much of a counter-jinx, they’re extremely deadly, they have near-perfect aim, and instead of having to think up a spell and waving your hand around, you just have to pull a trigger and your target is dead. A sniper rifle is a gun, except it has even better accuracy. By the time you’ve gotten this letter I’d have called them with my cell phone (it’s a muggle device that allows you to talk or send an instant message to someone within seconds) and told them that if you don’t nod your head about 90 seconds into reading this message, they have full permission to blow your head off.

Now is about the time you should nod your head. Did you do it? Good.

I really don’t understand why you wizards refuse to use muggle technology, when most of it is much more efficient than your traditional magical ways. I’m glad you don’t though, because at the moment I have the upper hand. (ha!)

My demands are these:

  1. Send me some Felix Felicis. Finals is only a couple of months away for me and it would be really cool to win the lottery. Also you probably should have drank some of this the moment you came back to human form. I’m just saying, maybe Harry might not have gotten away.

  2. Keep Bellatrix on a leash please, before she ends up killing someone I like. Actually, nevermind. What’s the worst she could do? It’s not like she’d kill her own cousin or anything.

  3. You and your death eater pals must make a video of you doing the Harlem Shake. It better be insane. I want you to do the worm, I want Wormtail in a Spiderman costume and I want Snape to be that one guy who stands completely still in the corner. I sent you a video camera along with this, so you should have gotten it by now.

  4. You must give Neville a hug. He deserves it.

If you carry out with these demands I will not only spare your life but I’ll even give you some muggle supplies and help you out with killing Harry Potter. I want him dead, because he gets really angsty throughout his fifth year, and no one really likes that.

Wishing you luck in killing thousands of innocent souls,

Matt.

Want to follow our blog chain? Here are the participating parties, day by day:

March 5th – http://letsgetwriteral.blogspot.com   

March 6th – http://themysteriousscribblingbook.wordpress.com/

March 7th – http://miriamjoywrites.wordpress.com/

March 8th – http://charlieeatmybook.blogspot.co.uk/

March 9th – http://kkazulwolf.wordpress.com/

March 10th – http://missalexandrinabrant.wordpress.com/

March 11th – http://fida-islaih.blogspot.com/

March 12th – http://sarahhudsonscribbles.blogspot.ca

March 13th – http://musingsfromnevillesnavel.wordpress.com/

March 14th – http://aprilmayjay.blogspot.com/

March 15th – https://thelittleenginethatcouldnt.wordpress.com/

March 16th – http://oliviasopinions.wordpress.com/

March 17th – http://theloonyteenwriter.wordpress.com/

March 18th – http://insideliamsbrain.wordpress.com/

March 19th – http://paulinaczarnecki.wordpress.com/

March 20th – http://notebooksisters.blogspot.com/

March 21st – http://theteenagewriter.wordpress.com/

March 22nd – http://myswordandpen.wordpress.com/

March 23rd – http://mirrormadeofwords.com/

March 24th – http://eatwritedie.blogspot.com/

March 25th – http://realityisimaginary.blogspot.com/

March 26th – http://incessantdroningofaboredwriter.wordpress.com/

March 27th – http://insatiablebeforedeath.wordpress.com/

March 28th http://teenscanwritetoo.wordpress.com/ (We’ll announce the topic for next month’s chain.)