A Day in the Life of a College Freshman

Yeah, so I’ve done a few posts like this in the past, one in my junior year of high school and one in my senior, and I got to say, I think this is the most interesting one I’ve done yet. Mainly because it has foreshadowing in it, and also some seemingly unrelated events that come together in the end. Plus something happens to me that feels like it was taken straight out an episode of Seinfeld, so I hope you all enjoy.

(I also just want to clarify that a couple parts of this post (you’ll know it when you see it) are not things that happen to me regularly. So keep that in mind.)

7:30 AM 

I can’t keep hitting the snooze button these days because it annoys my roommate, so I get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. I watch my step, just in case my alcoholic suitemate vomited on the floor again. He did not, which is a good omen. (“Today will be a good day!”)

7:45 AM

After brushing my teeth and taking a shower and getting dressed, I make the fifteen minute walk to my first class of the day. I would eat breakfast first, but the dining halls don’t open until eight o’clock, which is the same time my class starts. This seems like a rather large flaw in the dining hall system, but there’s not much I can do. Luckily my mom sent me a care package recently that included snack sized bags of trail mix, so I ate that on the way.

7:55 AM

I notice that my phone is only at around fifty percent battery, which is weird, because I could’ve sworn I’d left it plugged in at night. It’s still enough to get me through the most of the day, though, so I don’t think much of it.

8:00-9:30 AM

Differential Calculus. It’s a tough class, but someone’s gotta do it. It’s taught by a TA, who is always nervous, which is uncalled for because he’s teaching a subject that no one cares about. I try my best not to fall asleep.

9:40 AM

Sociology discussion class. I have to give a presentation today about the evolving workforce into today’s society, or something like that. (I kinda winged it.) The presentation was based around three questions that were supposed to be discussed amongst the class. But because it’s a Friday morning and no one actually seems to read the required text, not much discussion is had. That is, until the final one.

The final question I asked was “Is it okay for a company to breach a customer’s privacy, even if doing so will benefit both parties?” It was referencing the Amazon Echo, a device that may or may not be listening in on your conversations in order to sell you stuff. (It totally is.)

What followed was a surprisingly heated discussion between two/three guys who were complete pro privacy, against one girl who was like, “it’s not a big deal, guys. Relax.” I was mostly on the girl’s side until she started talking about how companies can’t invade your privacy unless you agree to the terms of service, because come on. Nobody reads the terms of service. Nobody. Anyone who claims to is a backstabbing liar.

10:40 AM 

I finally get to eat a proper breakfast. Pancakes, and scrambled eggs, and bacon! Nothing quite like bacon to put you in a good mood. Now, my next class is at 2:20, so I have two choices:

  1. I could go back to my dorm and get some sleep.
  2. I could go to the library and attempt to get shit done.

I choose #2, which would usually be the smart choice, the one my parents would approve of. But in this case it ends up screwing me over in a way that will be revealed soon.

1:30 PM 

I get some homework done, but it’s a Friday and the week’s almost over, so I’m not in much of a rush. I watch YouTube videos in the library, then I head back to the dining hall for some lunch. Now, here’s when something weird happens.

As I’m waiting in line for food, one of the cafeteria workers need to walk past me, and so I back up to get out of the way. In doing so, I accidentally step on the foot of the girl right behind me. “Sorry,” I say to her, and usually that would be the end of it.

But after I apologize and turn back around, I find myself wondering if I said “sorry” too quietly. The place is very crowded after all, and loud too, and I may have come off as more of a jerk than I actually am. After a minute or so, I turn back around, hoping that this is all in my head and that the girl behind me has already forgotten about it.

Yeah, no.

Instead she’s giving me the death stare, with her arms crossed, her nostrils flaring. To borrow a photo from one of my other posts, she looks like this:

I have no idea what to do. In the end I just turn back around, feeling her eyes on the back of my neck. I figure it’s too late to fix anything and the damage has already been done, so I get my food and get out of there fast.

2:20 PM

Chemistry. Generally speaking, this is not a fun class either, but I am sitting next to this girl from my high school, (let’s call her Jess) who’s a lot of fun to hang out with. She asks if I want to go to a frat party with her friends tonight, and I one-up her by asking is she wants to bring her friends to pre-game at my suite before going to said frat party. She says yes.

An explanation:

Pregaming is when you drink alcohol before attending an event or social function, so you’re already loosened up before you get there, and you don’t have to spend too much money on drinks. I’m not sure if this is specifically an American thing, but I feel like we’d be the only country where the teens are stupid to do this.

Two of my suitemates usually set up a game of beer pong around 8:30 on weekends, and I’m free to invite anyone I want to them. The more, the better.

Therefore, in this scenario: beer pong = pregame.

3:30 PM:

Classes are done for the day, and I head over to the marketplace for what is basically a second lunch. (Don’t judge me.) I make extra sure not to step on anyone’s foot this time.

4:00 – 7:30 PM

I’m back in the library, working on my novel. Will it ever get finished? The world could only hope. I do get a lot done today though, so that’s nice.

I also watch an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I’ve only watched four episodes so far and I must say, I really identify with this Larry David guy. It’s like we’re the same person.

8:40 PM

I get back to my suite, and sure enough, the pregame is on tonight. I text Jess to make sure she knows which dorm I’m in, and in fifteen minutes I go downstairs to let her and her friends inside. Once they’re inside I quickly drop into my room to plug in my phone, which is now at only 10% battery.

Now kids, the problem with beer pong is that if you’re playing it by the rules and are actually drinking the alcohol, it’s very hard to keep track of how much you’ve had. And then if you pour hard liquor into the middle cup, as we did, you may find yourself getting drunk much faster than intended. So keep that in mind as you follow me along for the rest of the night.

11:15 PM

We end up going to the frat party, but first I go back into my room to pick up my phone, and what do you know? It hasn’t charged at all. In fact, it’s actually gone down to 8%.

Turns out, the extension cord I plugged my phone into was no longer connected to outlet in my wall, which explains why my phone wasn’t at 100% this morning and why it hasn’t charged at all today.

This is unfortunate, but I’m not going to let it ruin my night, so I put the phone on power saving mode and go out anyway, figuring “hey, I’m with my friends, nothing bad could happen to me.”

11:45 PM

I’m at the party, where I manage to bump into seemingly every single person I’ve ever talked to at the university. I’m bumping into people I haven’t seen in months, people I pass by in the halls, people I only met during orientation. It’s like my life in college is a TV show and tonight’s the finale, so all the minor characters are popping up for their last hurrah.

I took exactly three shots over the next hour or so, and I did the math in my head:

3 shots + ? = ??? drinks in one night.

1:00 AM (ish)

Jess and her friends ask if I want to leave and go to a bar. I let her know I don’t have a fake ID. She says it’s cool, because she knows one that doesn’t check them.

We go to bar #1, which as it turns out, actually does check IDs, so we are not allowed in. So we walk to another one, and wait in a long line. For this bar, I only have to give the bouncer five bucks to get inside. I reach into my pocket, then check my other one, and oh shit I lost my wallet.

Yep, it’s gone. Where did it go? Well it somehow ended up on the floor at the frat house, getting stepped on repeatedly, long into the night. It was returned to me the next day with everything still in it, but as far as I know, it’s gone forever.

But no worries, Jess agree to lend me five bucks, and we’re allowed in.

1:20 AM

Gotta say, bars suck. I thought the frat party was loud and crowded, but in this bar you literally can’t move an inch without bumping into someone. People buy fake IDs and risk getting arrested for this? Makes zero sense. I get separated from the group, and after getting suffocated for at least fifteen minutes, I decide I’ve had enough and I make my way outside.

The journey back outside is a long and arduous one. I don’t know what “arduous” means but it sounds like an appropriate word in this context. I’m moving about five feet per minute because there are just so many people in the way. When I get out I take a deep breath of the cool, crisp air. Thank God I’m out of there.

I take out my phone to text Jess and let her know where I went, only to find out that that eight percent battery has gone down much faster than expected.

So now I have a dead phone, and no wallet, and I’m drunker than the average man. I’m also in the middle of a city I don’t really know, and it’s the middle of the night. Most of the people walking past me are college kids travelling in packs, but I see one girl by herself and I ask her if I could use her phone. I’m quickly explaining my situation to her, but I stop in my tracks once I get a closer look.

She recognizes me just as I recognize her. “Wait a minute,” she says. “Aren’t you the guy who stomped on my foot this morning?”

Gotta say, this is surprising. There’s at least thirteen thousand students at my school so I’d honestly never expected to see this girl again, and certainly not this soon. My gut reaction was to go on the defensive, which may not have the best decision. “Well I didn’t exactly stomp on it. It was an accident.”

Bruised Foot Girl, however, was not having any of this. “Do you have any idea how painful that was? I could barely walk afterwards!”

“Oh, come on.”

“Would you like to see the bruises?” She bends over, threatening to take off her shoe for me. “You basically squashed all the toes on my right foot.”

At this point, we’re both raising our voices at each other and making a scene; I’m getting all angry and flustered. “Look, I didn’t mean to, alright? I did apologize —”

“Oh yeah, thanks for saying sorry, it really helped with the healing.”

“Well what do you what me to do about it? It was a crowded room, you were standing right behind me—”

“Oh, so it was my fault?”

“What? No. It wasn’t—”

“I’m so sorry for standing in line behind you, sir. It won’t happen again.”

“Okay look,” I say, calming myself down. “I’m sorry I stepped on you, I felt bad about it and I didn’t know what to do at the time. I lost my wallet and my phone’s dead, so I could really use some help right now.”

Unfortunately, the girl is not in a charitable mood. As she storms away down the street she yells at me, “Maybe watch your step next time, asshole!”

1:45 AM

Yeah, so that happened. I end up asking someone else for their phone, and they’re a lot nicer about it.

After about ten minutes of sitting outside, Jess and friends get out of the bar, and we take a cab back to campus. I decide not to mention my run-in with the Bruised Foot Girl, because I’m not sure which of us was the jerk in that situation. (Was it me? I feel like it was me.)

2:05 AM

We’re dropped off near one of the dining halls, the one that’s open til 4 AM on the weekends. I don’t have my wallet, of course, so I just get a cup of water, chugging two cups in less than a minute. Turns out, I was a lot more dehydrated than I thought.

2:25 AM

I call it a night. I’ve already lost my wallet and gotten yelled at, and I feel like if I keep going, only worse things will happen.

2:35 AM

I am back in bed. It’s nice and cozy.


If there’s a lesson to this post, it’s that bars aren’t fun and people hold grudges. Also, if you plug your phone into an extension cord, make sure said extension cord is properly plugged into the wall, before you leave it unattended for over an hour.

It’s been a long weekend, guys. Thanks for reading.

College: Spring Semester Thus Far

I’m exactly a week into my second semester at college, and how has it been so far? The short answer is: good! And the long answer will be written in multiple parts, starting with:

Classes

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Chemistry

So far it’s been light and breezy. But then again it felt light and breezy in the beginning of last semester, but then things went downhill faster than Sherlock: Season 4. I also found out that this girl I liked from high school was in my lecture, so I’ll keep you posted on how that turns out.

(I won’t, actually. I’m probably going to forget.)

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My eyes hurt.

Differential Calculus

In Binghamton, the Calc. courses are split into two each semester, and I was supposed to take this in the second half of fall, but I dropped it because I hated the professor, and it was really hard, but mostly because I hated the professor. The dude showed up 20 minutes late every day and spent the next 70 minutes complaining about how the syllabus was out of order.

My new professor seems fine, though. A bit on the young side, not particularly exciting, (which is tough considering it’s an 8 o’clock class), but I also have zero desire to punch him in the face, which is really the best you could hope for in this day and age.

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Intro to American Politics

I feel like I should stop taking classes that have to do with politics, because I have no intention of having a career in government and the more I learn about the American political system, the more pissed off I get. Although now that I think about it, I think I’d be a great speech writer. So if Tammy Duckworth ever needs one, she oughta let me know soon. Here’s an excerpt I’ve already written for one of her rallies:

Ducks are loyal. Ducks are strong. And if I am your president, I will be as loyal and as strong as the best of any duck. I will bring upon a duck’s worth of peace and prosperity.

My opponent’s name may be Donald, but Donald is no Duck. He is a rabbit. An ugly little rabbit who feeds upon the carrots of our goodwill and trust. Who do you want to lead this glorious country of ours, a rabbit? *pause for boos* Or a duck?! *pause for cheers*

On second thought I should probably just stick to blogging.

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Couldn’t find a funny photo, so here’s this.

Sociology

I hesitated taking this class, because the syllabus mentioned something about having to do a presentation in front of a bunch of people. And that’s unfair because I already took a public speaking class and was hoping I’d never have to deal with that ever again. Oh well. I suppose I’ll live.

According to Rate My Professors, the professor was supposed to have a super heavy accent, but it turns whoever wrote that review was just pulling stuff out of his ass. I mean sure, the guy does have an Indian accent, but he speaks slowly and clearly, so this isn’t a problem at all.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s all my classes for this semester. I do have to take an Integral Calculus class come late March, which sounds like hell, but at least the weather will be nice by then and I’ll be up for challenge.

In other news, I feel like I’m being a lot more social this year than I was last. This is partly due to my new suitemates, who are a lot of fun, or the fact that a lot of kids from my high school have come in for the spring. I also went to a frat party the other day for the first time, and it wasn’t horrible. I went to a bar for the first time, too, and that was horrible. 

(It was so crowded. I could barely move.)

All in all, though, college has been great so far. I’m hoping it stays that way.

So, how’s life for all of you? For any college students out there, have you gone back to school yet? And if there’s any sociology majors out there, can you explain to me exactly what sociology is? That would be a huge help.

Goals for My 2017 Spring Semester

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My spring semester of college starts today, and while my fall semester was fine, there were a few things I wished I’d done differently. And now that I have a good sense of what college is like, and how much of a workload I could handle, I’m going to start making goals for myself that will straddle the line between Reasonable and Overly Optimistic. Let’s see how it goes.

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1) Get Back to a Normal Sleep Schedule

Last semester I had to wake up early on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for an 8:30 Chemistry lecture, and I did not handle it well. Back in August I’d figured that this would be easy, considering how I woke up around 6:00 AM in high school and it wasn’t that hard. But as it turns out, waking up early in college is so much worse.

“That’s it!” I thought as I planned out my spring schedule, “No more early classes. I’m never waking up earlier than nine again.”

But I ended up getting screwed over by technical issues, and now I’m stuck with an 8:00 Calculus classes on Monday Wednesday Friday and an 8:30 Intro to American Politics class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So yeah, that’s rough.

And thanks to late shifts at Mcdonalds and nightly poker games, I’ve now gotten used to falling asleep around 4 AM and waking up around noon.

This is not a fun adjustment.

And yet, I’m looking forward to this. Because while I hate getting up early, I do love being up early. It’s nice waking up and having the whole day ahead of you. Plus the air smells nicer in the morning. Not sure why.

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2) Get at least a B+ in Chemistry.

Ah, chemistry. My Achilles’s heel, if you will. I got a C in it last semester, and I was pleasantly surprised to get it. I do hope to improve next semester, and the odds are in my favor this time because:

  1. My lectures this semester are in the afternoon, so I won’t be tempted to skip them so I can sleep in.
  2. I actually started to use all the extra resources available to me near the end, and it helped a lot.
  3. Hopefully, my TA this time won’t have a heavy, indecipherable accent. My last TA was a nice guy and all, (he didn’t even take points off when I handed in a late lab, God bless him), but he grew up in China and still has trouble with English. It’s understandable, considering that I took four years of Spanish classes and still can’t speak a word of it, but it’s frustrating when he has to explain important stuff to the class. I don’t know much about my new TA, but I know his first name is Brendan and his middle name is Patrick, so I’m gonna go on a hunch and say that English is probably his first language, (*fingers crossed*) so learning things should be a bit easier this year.

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3) Join more clubs

This is still going to be difficult for me, because three of the clubs I wanted to join last semester, (a book club, a sign language club, and a literary magazine thingy), were not only all at the exact same time, but also at the same time as my chemistry recitations. Chances are the same thing’s going to happen this semester too.

But I can still join the bowling club (turns out I’m good at it), as well as racquetball. Plus my school has a student-run website that’s basically like The Onion, and I would love to get an article or two posted on that. I think I could pull off satire. The key, as I see it, is to write about a completely ridiculous event as if its normal, such as this, or write about a completely normal event as if it’s extremely significant, like this. Or, of course, you can actually put some effort in.

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4) Be better with money.

Was I the best with money last semester? No. But did I learn from my mistakes and get better as the semester went on? Also no. This time, though, I hope to handle things better, and I won’t allow myself to make the same mistake regarding textbooks as I did last time:

Back in August I decided to save money for my classes by renting all my textbooks on Amazon for a cheaper price than was offered on the school bookstore. Look at me, I thought, saving money like a champ. This worked out fine for my Intro to World Politics course, but it backfired in math and science. Turns out, I had to get a code for an online site where 90% of the online assignments were due, and in order to get that I had to either pay $99 for the access code, or buy another textbook from the bookstore, because those were the only textbooks that came with the access codes. That’s two hundred bucks I’m never getting back. Do I sound salty? It’s my saltiness that’s making me sound that way.

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5) Check my grades as soon as they come out.

Sad fact: because I was so afraid I had failed chemistry, I did not check my grades for fall semester throughout the entire winter break. I just told my parents I had a 2.9 GPA, because that seemed to be on the optimistic side of realistic, and I spent winter break not thinking about anything school related.

Then I was told that if you failed Chem 107, you wouldn’t be able to continue with chem 108. Hmm, I thought, Maybe I should see how I did so I don’t get kicked out of chem 108 two weeks into the semester.

And so I checked my grades, and it was a lot better than I’d expected. C in Chemistry, B+ in Calculus, A in Intro to World Politics, and an A in my public speaking class. Not sure how that last one happened, (not false modesty; am genuinely perplexed), but I’m not going to argue with a good thing.

This semester, though, I’m checking my grades right away. ‘Cause there ain’t no way in hell I’m putting myself through that sort of stress again.


So, uh, yeah. What are your goals for this year? (School-related or otherwise.) And more importantly, does anyone know when Stranger Things is coming back? That show is lit.

In Which I Unexpectedly Get Sunburn in the Middle of Winter

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This picture is physically painful to look at. Ow ow ow ow.

So now that I’m back from college, I finally have a room to myself. While my roommate was fine and all, there’s nothing quite as nice as getting home from work and knowing that nobody else will be in your room when you walk in. And knowing that I had a whole private room to myself, I did the only logical thing a person would do. I started sleeping in the nude.

I don’t recall doing this before college, but now that I was back home I tried to take full advantage of this newfound freedom. No roommate, no clothes. That was my new motto.

I did this for several wonderful, dream-filled nights, and I gotta say, it has its benefits. It’s how God intended us to sleep, I’ve been told.

Then the other day, I’ve noticed that my skin felt irritable. I put a shirt on and every part of my back it touched seemed to sting slightly. When I put on my jacket, the fabric touching my arms felt just as bad. What is this? I wondered. Why does my skin hurt?

I went the next few days like this, the conditions only getting worse and worse, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. Was I having an allergic reaction to something? Did God actually intend for us to sleep fully clothed, with this being his way of punishing me? I only figured it out when I noticed that my arms were much more red than usual. (Not sure how I didn’t notice that sooner.) I pressed my finger against my skin, and when I let it go it left a white spot that I gradually returned to the surrounding pink. And then the explanation all unfolded in my mind within a matter of seconds. It felt like I had reached the big reveal in a mystery novel, and suddenly everything fell into place.

The light from my window gave me sunburn. 

The way my bedroom’s set up, the sun shines right on me each morning. I usually like that, because it keeps me from sleeping in too late. Except the last few nights I slept in until noon, meaning the sun was roasting its way through my back, arms, shoulders and potentially my nether regions without me even considering the idea that it would be a problem.

Let this be a lesson to y’all. Never sleep naked, or you will be roasted alive. Or at the very least, close the blinds.

On the bright side, you know how I’ve often talked about my failed attempts to get a tan? Well here is my chance to be the tannest white guy at Binghamton when I go back on the nineteenth. I just have to sleep on my back one day and sleep on my stomach the other, switching back and forth. Keep this up for a few weeks, and I’ll be like a human leather glove. 

There’s a bright side to everything, people. Remember that as you go into the new year.

In Which I Reevaluate My Life, My Blog, and Everything in Between

I’m back, motherfuckers, and I’m here to stay.
I’m bringing blogging back in a brand new way.
Yes, I know, it’s been a long time
But that don’t mean I can’t bust a sick rhyme!

…aaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s enough rapping for me. (Did it sound catchy in your head? I hope it sounded in catchy in your head.)

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So it’s been a few months since I haven’t blogged and I gotta say, it’s been a strange experience. 

Whenever a friend or family member from home would ask me how college was for me, I’d respond with two responses: “So far so good,” and, “it’s #lit,” and while both of those descriptions were accurate, I would never talk about the parts that weren’t so good, because I’m not that sort of person. I don’t talk about the things that truly bother me unless I can say it in a way that comes off as A. humorous, and B. not a big deal.

For the first two weeks or so of college, I had this constant pit of anxiety in my stomach. Sure, things went well — I very quickly found myself in a group of reliable friends, my roommate turned out to be perfectly respectable, and nothing embarrassing happened to me, as far as I can recall — but that feeling was still there. Every moment to myself I’d be reminded of it again.

It wasn’t homesickness, I don’t think. It was just this feeling that something was wrong. That I didn’t actually belong here, that this was all a waste of time, a waste of money, and that everything was going to come crashing down on me at any moment.

“But Matt!” you say, “what does this have to do with blogging?”

Well as you’re about to see, I’m going to talk about blogging again, and then try to awkwardly tie it together with my feelings towards college.

“Oh,” you say. “By the way, it’s disappointing that after all this time you’re still using the old, ‘hypothetical-reader-asks-question’ technique in order to transition to a new topic.”

Yeah, well, thanks for the talk.

. . . So during this time off from the blogosphere, I started thinking: why exactly had I started to drift away from my blog so much in the past year or two? I mean, back in 2013 I was able to successfully post every single day for the entirety of November, and as of July of this year, I couldn’t even maintain interest for a week. Why?

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It’s because I’m a different person than I was in 2013, and I’m a different person than I was this July, and these changes will continue until I’m like, forty. Then I’ll just stagnate forever.

How am I different? Well for starters I think I’m becoming a more open person. The outer me and the inner me are becoming increasingly similar in real life, and that change hasn’t extended to this blog. Mostly because I haven’t been here. But also because I only really talk about the positive things in my life.

When I do talk about the negatives, I do it in a way that makes it seem trivial, unimportant, or I leave out the real problems.

Example: Remember how earlier this year I wrote a post about how I was failing Calculus, and cited my poor eyesight as the main reason? Well yeah, I did need those glasses, and getting them helped improve my life a lot. But I never mentioned those long periods of time through the last two years of high school where I couldn’t concentrate on anything; where an easy homework assignment would take me hours to finish, assuming I could even able to motivate myself to start it.

My parents would always see the report cards during these periods and they’d ask me if I was okay, and I’d always say yeah, and I’d get mad at them for assuming there was anything wrong with me to begin with. But of course there was a lot of things going on underneath the surface: I couldn’t stay interested for long in anything but TV and Reddit. I saw my grades falling and my odds of getting into any college shrinking, and I couldn’t bring myself to actually do anything to stop it. I kept thinking about how if I couldn’t handle this, how was I supposed to handle anything?

It would work in a cycle: I’d slowly sink into that mode where I mostly just slept and watched TV, and then something would snap me out of it, I’d try to salvage what I could of my grades by getting all my late work handed in, and I’d tell myself I’d never get that bad again. And for a week or two I’ll be fine, but then I’d feel it slipping and it’ll all come back, just as bad as before.

I probably should’ve seen a therapist, or have gotten some sort of help. That’s on the top of my list of “Things I’ve Never Done, but Probably Should Have.” Instead I read It’s Kind of a Funny Story, a book about a depressed teenager, roughly my age at the time, who almost commits suicide before admitting himself into a mental hospital. And while I was never nearly as bad as he was, I gotta say I was disturbed by how familiar his symptoms were.

I’m lucky in that I haven’t felt this way since high school ended. It went away during the summer, and I was so afraid that it’d come back hard during college, because that’s when depression and anxiety are the most commonly diagnosed. But it didn’t. Or at least it hasn’t yet. *fingers crossed*

You know what would have been nice, though? To have been able to talk about it on here. I certainly could have, and I even wrote a really long, detailed post describing how I felt at the time, but I never posted it because I felt like it was too much. It didn’t quite vibe with anything else I was writing. This is a humor blog, I figured, I can’t just talk about depression all of a sudden.

And during the last few months, I realized that I want to be able to talk about these things on here. I want to be able to write a funny post one day and write a serious one the next, and not feel weird about it. And recently it hit me that there was nothing actually stopping me from doing so; just myself.

So, yeah. I hope to be making the most of Winter Break, and I want to write a blog that has more of an emotional range than just bitter-sarcastic or happy-sarcastic. (Though let’s face it, I’m mostly gonna just joke around.)

There’s a lot of things I want to talk about, after all, so let’s see how it goes.

Seven Summer Lessons I’ve Learned So Far

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. In my defense, when people told me that the summer before college would be nothing but sex and drugs and rock and roll, I assumed they were exaggerating. (First lesson of summer 2016: don’t assume anything.)

Okay, so maybe I myself was exaggerating a bit there, but I have indeed been busy lately. Once school ended I had to attend a string of graduation parties, ceremonies and what-have-yous. Plus now that I’m eighteen and school’s out I’ve been working very long hours. I also started volunteering at a hospital nearby, so that’s cool.

(Lesson #2: Don’t expect much from volunteering at a hospital, at least if you’re still a high school student. My first day they had me cleaning the railings in the hallway and I was told, “feel free to take as long as you want with this, because we have nothing else for you to do.” I still had six hours left on my shift.)

(That being said, I don’t regret volunteering there. The conversations you can listen in on are a writer’s goldmine.)

I also made the mistake of buying Grand Theft Auto V, which is stealing all my time. I know, I know. I should take responsibility instead blaming my problems on a game, but in my defense that game is like heroin. Offensive, lazily misogynist heroin. 

(I am ashamed.)

Then the other day I went to my college orientation, and I’ve been on edge ever since. Part of me can’t wait to pack my bags and start this new experience, and the other part of me is constantly whispering nerve-wracking thoughts into my brain. “What if you flunk out?” “What if you have no friends and everyone hates you?” “What if your roommate is the next Ted Cruz?”, and my only coping mechanism thus far has been to browse through the millions of advice articles for incoming freshman out there. They all say pretty much the same things. Does that stop me from reading them? Nah.

(Lesson #3: The food in my college is really good. Either that, or they keep the quality up during orientation and let it slide during the actual school-year.)

(Lesson #4: Don’t get the pancakes during breakfast at college, because you will be unable to find butter or syrup and will have to eat it plain. I ate a naked pancake, guys. It was awful.)

How else have I been spending this summer? I watched Finding Dory and binge-watched Orange is the New Black, and currently have zero regrets regarding either decision.

(Lesson #5: Just keep swimming.)

Now, you may be wondering just what it was exactly that snapped me out of my laziness enough for me to write this post. Mainly it was an incident with a customer at my job that pissed me off. I was no longer angry about it by the time I got home, but it made me think about all the other stuff I want to blog about. Like my aunt’s crazy, incoherent rants about Obama, or the fact that it’s no longer considered okay to drink out of a hose. Oh, and Matt Walsh. Fuck that guy.

At the end of this long thought process I realized that I’ve neglected my blog for too long, and made a mental note to jump back into things. Y’know, just after I run over some hookers with a stolen police car on GTA V.

(Lesson #6: there’s nothing like a little righteous anger to get you motivated.)

(Lesson #7: playing Grand Theft Auto turns you into a terrible person.)

In Which I Am a Giant, Thundering Ball of Happiness

Okay, so you know how I said I was accepted into the spring semester at Binghamton? And how they almost definitely weren’t going to take me for the fall semester?

(I think you know where this is going.)

Well I just received a phone call from the admissions adviser and you guys won’t believe who’s going to Binghamton this August.

(Me. It’s me.)

I’ve decided to use a bunch of gifs to describe my feelings right now:

cheer hooray happy excited celebration
Source: http://gemini-dragon-gifs.tumblr.com
excited seinfeld happy dance exciting celebrate
Source: Mostlyinnocent.tumblr.com
FOX International Channels reaction dancing happy simpsons
Source: Fox?
celebration will ferrell paul rudd steve carell anchorman
Do I really need to include a source for this?

So, yeah. They took me in for the fall semester, for some strange reason. I mean, did they not see my GPA? I am a good fifteen points below the usual range for admitted students. 

But I ain’t one to argue with a good thing, so I’ll just enjoy this feeling, and hope that they didn’t just confuse me for another Matthew Black, one with better grades and more extra-curricular activities. But as of right now, it all seems legitimate, so let this be a lesson to all the younger and more impressionable students reading this right now: don’t bother trying.

Judging from my experience, all you have to do is put the bare minimum amount of effort into your schoolwork, don’t even bother with any extra-curricular activities, and people will just hand you things on a silver platter. Turns out, life really is all sunshine and lollipops after all.

Okay, so maybe this isn’t true, because my laziness over the past two years have really screwed me over when it comes to scholarships, and while the cost of a SUNY school isn’t nearly as high as most colleges, it’s still pretty high, and it’s gonna be rough having to pay that off.

Also, I can’t imagine that my college courses are gonna be as easy for me to slack off in as my high school classes, but then again, I don’t plan on slacking off this fall. (Because college costs tens of thousands of dollars whereas public high school costs basically nothing.) Then again, I’m afraid I may have lost the studying habits I used to have in eighth grade, back when I thought that dipping below a 90 average would destroy my life. Hopefully I’ll go back to that level, because the fear of flunking out should be enough to motive me for at least a semester or two.

*shrugs*

Oh well, I’m very excited right now, for reasons I will list in bullet form:

  • I’ll be able to quit McDonald’s in August instead of next January! Which is good because I don’t think I could handle an extra five months there. I do plan to work again just for winter vacation, as a lot of employees have done, but hey, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so I should actually enjoy being back at the store for a couple weeks again.
  • I will no longer be the one child left in the house this fall, meaning that I will not be called upon every single time the lawn needs mowing, or the dishes need to be cleaned.
  • Mostly though, I just did not expect this to happen, because when I went on tour the admissions counselor told me that it was very, very unlikely that they’d be taking anyone off the waiting list at all, and I had accepted the fact that I’d have to wait till late January to start off on my own. 

I suppose I should mention, though, that my original plan to go on an official hiatus when I started college in August will be happening after all, which means that I only have three months and twenty-ish days left before I say good-bye to this blog forever.

(Okay, not forever, but for at least a couple weeks.)

So I will do my very best to make that time count, hopefully ending these past three years of blogging on a high note. This may be tough, because with graduation parties, a weirdly high amount of birthdays coming up, and the end of high school coming soon, I’m going to be pretty busy.

Knowing my past history, it doesn’t seem likely that I can succeed in posting as consistently as I did in my glory days, but I’m currently in an optimistic mood (mostly ’cause of the whole college thing) so I think that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to pull this off.

Until next time,

Matthew Palonius Black.

(Yes, my middle name is Palonius. Don’t question me on this.

In Which I Make My Official Decision Re: Colleges

So as some of you may know, I am currently a high school senior who applied to several colleges last fall. And while it did take quite a while to get back from all of them, by the very, very end of March I finally got the letters back. I applied to SUNY Plattsburgh, Oswego, Stony Brook, and Binghamton, all of whom got back to me with varying responses.

Oswego accepted me within a couple weeks of applying, which was awfully nice of them because it took a whole load of stress off my mind. “No matter what the other colleges say,” I figured, “At least I am going to one.”

As for Plattsburgh, well … You know how I said I got a really bad grade in Calculus a few months ago? As it turns out, that was the deciding factor for them, because literally the day after they received my mid-year grades I got a letter wait-listing me. The kicker was that as part of the wait-list, I wouldn’t get a confirmation until up to May 15th, which was after I’d have to make my official decision.

And then there was Stony Brook, that college in Long Island where nobody’s taught how to parallel park. I got an email in January from the school saying that my application was complete, and all they’d need now was my mid-year transcript from my senior year. So once the semester was over I went to my guidance counselor and asked her to send it to Stony Brook. She told me she’d already sent the grades to all my colleges, so there was no need to worry.

“Oh okay,” I said, thanking her for being all proactive and whatnot. “Man, what a great Guidance Counselor I have.” And then I happily spent the seven weeks doing whatever it is I do usually, not even bothering to check the application status to make sure that the mid-year grades were actually sent. And then I got an email from Stony Brook saying that they never actually received them after all, and then I punched a door.

It was a bad idea, punching a door, because I got a splinter in my hand and holy shit guys, splinters hurt.

Anywho, turns out there was a mistake with the electronic transfer, so the guidance counselor ended up sending the grades via real mail, which would take at least a week. I’m not sure if they made it to the college in time for the decision process, just that I got a rejection email from them on March 31st.

All hope seemed lost.

(not really)

But just as I was about to punch a second door with my splintered-covered fist, the great University of Binghamton got back to me, saying they had accepted me, but only for the spring semester. Now I know what you’re thinking: “BLUGHSMEAGLESHMOOSHLETOP!”

Okay so maybe you weren’t thinking that, and instead you were thinking something along the lines of, “Hmm, how does that work?”

Well as it turns out, this is a very common thing that Binghamton does. I’d be put on the wait-list for the fall semester, and if I don’t get accepted for said fall semester, I could instead go to another college for that time, and all my course credits would simply slide into Binghamton as if I’d taken it there.

So basically my choices were: I could go to Oswego for the full four years, or I could go to community college for one semester and then spend the rest of college at Binghamton.

I was stuck, because I did love Oswego, but Binghamton is definitely better for me academically. But I didn’t want to stay at home for another five months, either, because both my siblings would be out of the house as well for that time, so all the attention would be turned on me, and I’m not a fan of that. Imagine all the lawn I’d have to mow and all the dishes I’d have to do now that I’m the only one around to do them.

But in the end I decided to go with . . . (prepare yourself for some subtle suspense)

. . . it starts with a letter . . .

. . . and it has more than one syllable . . .

. . . and it is a college of sorts . . .

. . . and Flo from Progressive is an alumni there . . .

That’s right, I picked Binghamton! I went on a tour a few days ago and talked to one of the counselors and the school won me over, because I love everything about it. Plus, there’s a restaurant called Tully’s nearby, which boasted the best chicken on earth, and having tried them I can testify that they are definitely in the top five.

And this is a good thing for this blog, because my plan was to go on an official hiatus once I went off to college. Now I know this wouldn’t be too big of change, considering all the hiatuses I’ve gone on in the past year or so, but with an official hiatus, I would be removing myself from the guilt I’d usually go through when I don’t blog for a while. My plan would be to go a month without blogging, see how that works out, and if I feel like I can handle blogging again with my presumably busy schedule, then I will go ahead and do just that.

But since I’m staying home for the fall, I think I’ll keep doing this until January, so you don’t have to worry about any official hiatuses any time soon. Just, y’know, the unofficial ones. 

(Sorry ’bout that.)

____

Also, one of my blogger pals, Susannah Ailene Martin, has published a short story (“The Lifeguard”) for just 99 cents. I was excited when I found out because she had asked me to read an earlier version of it a little while back. At first I was hesitant, because what if I didn’t like it and I had to break the news? But thankfully it wasn’t terrible (twas quite good actually), and I can only assume it’s gotten better since then.

The story costs less than a dollar sweet tea at McDonalds, which is a good deal considering that when you buy the short story, you don’t have to worry about it eighty percent filled with ice. So go ahead and check it out at this blog. 

In Which I Officially Endorse a Presidential Nominee

“Something something Wall Street.”–Quote from Bernie Sanders, probably.

Otherwise titled: “In which I suddenly get political for no good reason.”

So I’ll be voting in the New York primary on the nineteenth, and things are really heating up. People have been arguing a lot, calling Bernie a communist and Hillary a criminal, and I meanwhile am trying to make sure that whoever I do decide to vote for is the least likely to turn the country into 1984. This way, if another candidate wins and the events of 1984 actually happen in real life, I can smugly say that I, at least, voted for the other guy.

So I’ve been doing mad research, actually paying attention to some of the debates and looking shit up on my own, and I have now officially made my decision.

Admittedly, this official decision is totally subject to change at any moment. If John Kasich were to send me a gift basket in the mail, I’d probably vote for him because, well, gift baskets are cool. But at the moment I’m supporting someone else, and you could probably guess who it is based on the picture above.

I see no difference.

Yep, Bernie Sanders. The guy who looks like Waldorf from the Muppets. Why would I vote for such a man, you ask? Well there are plenty of reasons: he’s refreshingly authentic, I sort of want to pet his head, and I love his accent. He’s been a supporter of civil and LGTBQ+ rights long before it became politically convenient. Plus he’s one of the few people in congress who truly seem to realize just how important this whole climate change thing is. I mean seriously, it’s the most important issue of our time, one that affects literally everyone on the planet, and there are people in congress who still haven’t gotten around to admitting that it’s a thing that exists.

(Fun fact: Donald Trump is on record saying that global warming is a conspiracy invented by the Chinese(?) and Ted Cruz believes it was fabricated by those goddamn liberals. Liberals are pretty sneaky though, so Ted may in fact be onto something here.)

He’s also on board with the legalization of marijuana, which is one of those stances that I feel like he should bring up more often. He may not be winning the minority votes, but I’m sure he’s kicking ass when it comes to pizza delivery dudes and snowboarders.

Oh, and I know this is stupid but I have to share: there is a diner nearby my house that I go to a lot, (usually on late weekend nights with my friends) and Bernie Sanders showed up there this Tuesday. That’s right, Bernie Sanders was at my favorite diner! I wonder what table he sat on. Hopefully it’s the booth in the corner where I always sit. That would be so cool.

But not everyone feels this way, of course. Many for legitimate reasons that I actually agree with. (The dude’s chill and all, but he ain’t flawless.) There are a lot of Americans who don’t think he’d be good for country. Some of these are people who don’t quite seem to understand the difference between communism, socialism, and democratic socialism. (Hint: they’re not the same thing.) And some are people who vote for Hillary because they think she has a better chance of winning the general election, which I don’t really get.

I mean, I don’t hate Hillary or anything, and if Sanders loses I’d easily vote for her over Ted Cruz or Donald Drumpf, but Sanders has a much better chance of winning the general election.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but a lot of people hate Hillary. Like, they really hate her.* She’s viewed as a criminal for the whole Benghazi thing and for the email scandal and for a dozen other reasons, and all the recent polls show that Bernie has a better lead against Trump and Cruz, whereas Clinton somehow doesn’t.

(*I was at a family party a couple weeks ago, and pretty much all of my adult family members said they’d vote for anyone but Hillary. Not saying this is indicative of all of America, but just thought I’d share. It boggles my mind, though, that someone could look at Trump, then look at Clinton, and actually think, “Yes, Hillary’s the one we need to avoid at all costs.” And not, y’know, the spoiled manchild who advocates war crimes and throws a fit every time Megyn Kelly asks him a question.)

Fun fact: Donald Trump is currently the most disliked Presidential Nominee in history, whereas Clinton comes in at second place. The only current nominee who is liked more than he’s disliked is Bernie, who’s supposedly unelectable. That’s just weird to think about.

And then there are those saying that the only people voting for Sanders are gullible college kids who want everything for free, which is fairly obnoxious assumption to make. These critics usually go on about how young people are so entitled and naive. They usually talk about participation trophies for a little bit, then they go on about how millennials don’t understand much about the real world and they’re all too lazy to vote anyway so the whole campaign is pretty much a waste of time. And not gonna lie, it pisses me off.

Stupid college kids, am I right? So entitled for not wanting to have to pay tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars for an education that may or may not get them a job in the future. So naive for thinking we could have universal healthcare in a world where pretty much every other developed country in the world has universal healthcare. What a bunch of suckers for thinking that a guy with morals could actually be president.

I’m an incoming college student who’s going to be voting for Sanders, not because I want free things. (Though admittedly that would be nice.) But because I care about the environment, I care about the rights of women and minorities, and I like a president who won’t go to war as anything but a last resort.

And also, uh, because of the whole legalization of marijuana thing. It seems like a good idea.

A Day in the Life of a Public High School Senior (don’t worry, this is interesting!)

Yes, I did write a post like this in the past before. This one, however, is way better. Why? Because it’s much more unique. (And it’s edgy!)

Note: the following takes place between 6:30 AM to 3:00 AM, from last Friday morning to very late Saturday night. It’s not the perfect example of my life, but it does provide a picture of it on Fridays, which is probably one of my more consistently busy days.)

6:30 AM: The alarm clock on my phone goes off. “Fuck off, phone,” I say, but the phone doesn’t listen. So I have to walk over to it (it’s on the other side of my room, for some reason), and turn it off. Then I go back to sleep. 

6:40 AM: My back-up alarm goes off, and I begrudgingly get up. It’s still dark outside, and that bugs me. I take a shower and get dressed and all that. No time for breakfast, so I eat my lunch on the way to school. 

7:05 AM: First period starts in twelve minutes, and I’m backed up in traffic. I realize that I am completely out of gas, because my brother apparently doesn’t like to buy gas for the car that he uses 80% of the time. I decide to take my chances and buy gas after school instead of getting it now.

 7:17 AM: First period starts, and yet I am still stuck in a very long line leading to my school. I listen to Elvis Durant and the Morning Show, and wonder just how the hell they’re all so happy in the morning. “Stop being happy,” I say to the radio. No one responds. 

7:25 AM: Students are only allowed to park in the very back of the parking lot, and they’re only allowed to enter the school from the front entrance, which means I have to go through a good five minute walk during wintertime in New York. I may sound very bitter right now, but that’s only because I am, in fact, very bitter about this particular situation.

7:30 AM: I make it to my Participation in Government class thirteen minutes late, and my teacher is 100% cool with it. Seriously, I have the chillest teacher ever. I’m rocking a 95 in that class even though I barely show up.

8:05 AM: A double period for Environmental Science, which is a pretty nice class, all things considered. We took notes for a period, and then we watched a documentary on coral reefs, which was quite possibly my favorite documentary ever, if only for the needlessly-intense background music and the creepiness and/or cuteness of all the organisms shown.

9:45 AM: Technically a study hall, but it’s really a lunch. I used to not be a fan of lunch in general, because I never really used to have anyone to sit with. And by that I mean, none of my good friends ever seemed to have lunch that period, and those that did seemed to be surrounded by people I didn’t know. Not this year, though. There are multiple groups of people in my lunch with whom I could sit with and not feel the least bit uncomfortable.

I try to study for calculus this period, but this turns out to be sorta hard. AP Calculus is quite possibly my least favorite class ever, by the way. Every time we start a new chapter, I think, “Oh, this isn’t too hard. I think I’ve got this.” And then things just escalate so quickly, to the point where I’m beginning to wonder if the teacher is making this shit up just to mess with us.

10:35 AM: AP Literature. This class is fun whenever we do creative writing. The problem is, that never happens. It’s just analyzing poetry, which is tough to do unless I’ve gotten a full-night’s sleep. Hell, even if I am wide awake, all it takes is some archaic poetry to send me straight to Snooze City, Indiana.

11:24 AM: AP Calculus: I spend the majority of this class looking at the clock and wondering, is it over yet? Please let it be over.

12:06 PM: Calculus is my last period of the day, which means I get to go home two periods early. I leave the school, purposely cutting my friend off on the way out of the parking lot, and make my way to the nearest gas station. (Gas is 2 bucks a gallon now, so suck it, people from 2009.)

12:15 PM: I go to a nearby deli for a turkey and cheese sandwich with lettuce and tomato. I devour it with the ferocity of a starved lion feasting on a gazelle. 

12:25 PM: I’m back home. I put my McDonald’s uniform in the dryer, and then take a nap.

3:45 PM: I wake up from my long nap, and check the mail for any college letters. There are none. “Thanks a lot,” I say to the mailbox. The mailbox doesn’t respond.

4:00 PM: I get ready for work. (4:30-11:00.) I check the weather, in the hopes of some sort of rain or snow or tsunami, because whenever the weather’s bad, business is slow. Unfortunately the weather is pretty much perfect today, minus the cold, so I can expect a relatively normal Friday at work. As in, very busy.

4:30 PM: A six and a half hour shift goes by, and nothing particularly note-worthy happens. I’m in the back booth, taking orders and cleaning trays the whole time. There’s a homeless guy on a bicycle who rides up to the window every day, picks up all the dropped change on the ground, and rides away. He always just sort of sneaks up on me, and I’m not a fan.

Also, my boss told me I wasn’t allowed to wear my jacket when doing the drive-thru, but I put it on anyway. (#badass)

11:00 PM: I snag a hash brown, and a large cup of water, and then stop by the ATM before going home. 

Why am I stopping by the ATM, you ask? Because it’s poker night, bitches. 

11:20 PM: My Bad Influence Friends and my brother are in my basement already, and a three-to-four hour game of Texas Hold’em Poker begin. There may be a break at some point to, um, eat a sandwich, though that depends on how many people show up, and/or if my parents are still awake. Only five playing today, so it totally happened. 

(Should I be admitting to this? You’d think after my last post that I’d be more careful.)

2:00 AM: I inevitably lose the poker match. I always go all-in on a flush, and the other person will inexplicably manage to have a full house, every single time. It’s infuriating. 

2:15 AM: I play Call of Duty, still in the basement, as the poker game wraps up as it always does: with the two winners splitting the pot.

2:30 AM: The fridge is raided. There are no survivors.

2:45 AM: Either everyone goes home, or they sleep over my house. This time the latter happens, which resulted in us watching Amy Schumer HBO stand-up special. Amy Schmuer, by the way, is significantly funnier when your parents aren’t in the room with you. 

3:00 AM: “The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets.”—Poppy Z. Brite. 

Luckily I went to bed an hour early, so my secrets are safe. 

If I were to tell my colleges about this blog, would that hurt or help my chances?

I’ve been wondering this for a while. On one hand, they should be impressed with the fact that I’ve been writing here for several years, and some of my posts should definitely sway them in my favor. Such as the post where I threatened to punch a bunch of teenagers in the face, or that post where I taught an eighth grader about the value of books.

But then I wonder if they’ll see posts like, “Looking at Colleges: Pros and Cons,” in which I said some pretty negative things towards the colleges I’ve applied to. For example, in my evaluation of Stony Brook University, I referred to Long Island (where it’s located) as a place filled with unspeakable evil. Okay, so I didn’t say exactly that, but I certainly implied it, and I can’t imagine Stony Brook being okay with such slander.

Oh, and I spelled the school with one word (“Stonybrook”) instead of the proper two, which surely couldn’t come off well. 

While I didn’t badmouth many schools too badly, there were a couple things there that I doubt would appear promising for any admissions adviser. The fact that I was willing to hold a grudge against SUNY Binghamton just because one of their vending machines didn’t work doesn’t make me seem like a well-developed individual. And the fact that I listed “abnormally high marijuana use” as a positive for SUNY Oneonta doesn’t help either. 

Or what if they start off with my About Page, which I rewrote a month ago, and make their decision based off that? “I smoke pot, but only because it makes me look cool,” was an actual line that I wrote there. Would they realize that I was being sarcastic? I like to think they would, but I am not taking that chance. No sirree.

But just in case said recently mentioned colleges happen to be reading this, I’d like to say a few things:

First of all, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best student. I’ve been described as a dumbass, a slacker, a super-cool badass, and Han Solo 2.0, although those last two terms aren’t really relevant. The point is that I am really good when it comes to subjects that I’m genuinely interested in. Except of course for biology class in the third quarter of ninth grade. That was a fluke, I swear. In college I’ll be pursuing courses that I genuinely want to take, except for some of those required ones. Okay, a lot of them will be required, but some of them won’t be, and I’m pretty sure I’ll do well in those. And for the other ones, I’m sure I could just copy some notes and cheat my way through them. Wait . . .

Secondly, I really want to go to a four-year college, and yours seems particularly cool. I want to leave home and start again in a new place, far, far away from my family and friends from home. I want a fresh start, just like the characters in season 2 of The Leftovers. Of course, that “fresh start” ended terribly for pretty much everyone involved, so, uh, yeah.

And finally, if you do accept me, can you make sure I get a roommate who doesn’t snore?

I don’t want a roommate who snores, is what I’m trying to say here.

10 Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2016

“But Matt!” you say. “It’s eighteen days into the new year, and you’re only just now writing this post?”

Well in my defense, I was busy. Also, it was cold outside, and I was distracted by the lack of snow.

Well, here it goes.

1) Ski Club!

Fun fact: I have not actually been to a mountain yet this year, in part due to the complete and utter lack of snow so far. Thanks a lot, El Niño!

“My bad.”–Current El Nino

But hopefully they’ll be at least a little bit of snow soon, and I’ll be able to finally complete my transformation into the next Shawn White.

2) Finally getting to read The Winds of Winter

Is it considered a jinx if I just assume that the next book in A Song of Ice and Fire will be released this year? Well too bad, because if I don’t tell myself that, I will have to cry. And I am one ugly crier, I’ll tell you that. 

Oh, and is anyone willing to bet on the release date? Because my money’s on August 19th.

3) The completion of The Raven Cycle, by Maggie Stiefvater.

I can hear some of you saying things along the lines of, “But I haven’t read these books, so I can’t relate!” To which I say, “Well, you should probably get on that, real quick.”

Poot, Bodie, D’Angelo and Wallace are on a quest to find a mythical welsh king.

These books are magical, and they sort of remind me of HBO’s The Wire, which may seem ridiculous to anyone who’s seen The Wire and has read these books, but hear me out: the pacing, man. Maggie’s pacing in the first three books, at least, is so similar to the pacing of any season of The Wire (particularly seasons 1, 3, and 5), in that it’s extremely patient, and the moment you start to feel like not much is happening, everything starts happening at once, in a way that doesn’t seem rushed at all. The way both stories build momentum is nothing short of stunning. 

4) A Plethora of TV shows.

Orange is the New Black, Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Veep, The Walking Dead, possibly The Leftovers, all are coming back this year, and it’s going to be awesome. (Well, except for maybe the Walking Dead, but I’ll be watching it either way.) 

There’s also a TV adaptation of Stephen King’s time travel novel 11/23/63, starring James Motherfucking Franco, so that should be cool. 

I’m also hoping for a mini-series based on Stephen King’s It and The Stand, but that’s probably not going to happen. 

5) Finally finding out if those colleges accepted me or not.

I’ve gotten one acceptance letter so far, and another one didn’t decline me, but they instead put me on a waiting list. So that leaves three colleges of whom I shall patiently wait for a reply. 

This patient waiting has so far consisted of staying within view of my mailbox from 11 to 3 every day, and rushing outside the moment I see the mailman show up. I then open up said mailbox, only to be disappointed by the lack of large envelopes inside. 

Look at all these happy white people.

6) College!

I choose to believe that college is nothing but nonstop drugs, sex, and partying, and will continue to think of it as such until I actually get there, where I will promptly discover that I was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CORRRRREEECT! (#ooorah)

I know you can’t see me right now, but rest assured that I am currently fist-pumping in the air as hard as I can. And now I’m chugging an entire bottle of vodka, just to prepare myself for the binge-drinking that will be required of me in several months. Where did I get this vodka? I don’t remember, but it tastes like what mouth wash would’ve tasted like had it been mixed in hand sanitizer first.

Bernie wins the election for this look alone.

7) The Presidential Election.

I’ll be eligible to vote for the first time this year, and I definitely will, mostly because well, why would anyone not vote if given the chance? 

I haven’t watched any of the GOP debates. Well, I have, but I had to stop after just a little bit, because I was getting some serious 1984 vibes from it, and it was unnerving. The last democratic debate (basically, the only one I’ve watched in full), was a lot more bearable, although holy shit guys, the moderators had such an obvious bias against Martin O’Malley, it was just plain sad. (Why let the guy on stage at all if you’re not going to let him speak?) 

8) A spacecraft is totally going to land on Jupiter.

Fun fact: NASA has released a spacecraft that is set to land in that giant-ass planet in July, so that’s pretty cool.

And you should know that the fact that I’m now listing things that have no effect on me means that I am out of ideas, and am completely phoning in the last three bullet points.

9) The Summer Olympics!

I’mma be honest. I’d forgotten that the Olympics were even a thing that exists, but now that I’m reminded of it, I couldn’t be more pumped. Is Michael Phelps going to compete again? Will Usain Bolt run super duper fast this time or just super fast? Will anyone actually watch the golf tournament? Only time will tell.

10) The Super Bowl

Was it just me, or were last year’s advertisements for the super bowl really, really bad? I remember thinking, “Come on Coke. Come on Bud Light, Doritos, Ford, etc.. You spend millions of dollars per second on these ads and this is the best you could do? I’m disappointed. You all disgust me.”

Hopefully those companies will actually put some goddamn effort in this time.

____

Well, that’s all I could think of. How do you feel about this list? What are you looking forward to this year? Also, am I a terrible person, or is this GoDaddy commercial not the funniest thing ever? It was withdrawn from the Superbowl due to OUTRAGE and to be honest, I don’t really get why it’s so offensive. It’s shocking, definitely, but much better than the obvious sexism shown in all their other commercials.

Oh well. Maybe I am just a terrible person.