Things I Kind of Want to Do, but Not Really

I have a lot of goals for my life, and I rarely get to see them accomplished because, well, they’re not very good goals. Recognizing the good ideas and the bad ideas is an important things to do, but sometimes I wonder if that’s just an excuse I use to not follow my dreams. Well, I’ll let you be the judge of that. To start off, I kind of want to …

1) Give up soda.

I feel like a good indicator of how bad my acne is gonna be tomorrow is by the amount of soda I’ve drank (drunk? drunken?) in the past twenty-four hours. If I stay clear and stick to water? Dolphin-smooth skin, motherfuckers. If I cave and end up chugging a two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper? Well rest in peace skin, it was nice knowing you.

Plus, soda messes up your teeth, it leads to diabetes, alzheimer’s, and cancer. I think it’s safe to say that I would be a lot better off if I gave up soda.

So why I am not going to?

Because soda tastes like, really good. Okay? It’s bubbly, it soothes the stomach. It makes you burp, and if you hold in the burp it’ll go out your nose, and you’ll feel the CO2 from the soda travel through your sinuses. Not sure if this is good for you or not, but it feels cool.

Also, I must address this whole “soda is bad for your health” complaint with a follow up question. You know what else is bad for your health?

  • Heroin.
  • Meth
  • Crystal meth.
  • Bungee jumping without a cord.
  • Watching TV.
  • Sitting down for too long.
  • Standing up for too long.
  • Sleeping too much.
  • Sleeping too little.
  • Doing one handed pushups without ever switching to your other hand, because then all the muscle will be in one of your arms, which will cause you to constantly lean towards that arm as you walk, which leads to scoliosis, followed by paralysis and then death.

Compared to all this, soda doesn’t seem too bad. Besides, by the time I get diabetes, which I am, genetically speaking, bound to get anyway, those hardworking scientists will have already found a cure. So I should be fine.

2) Start a political blog.

I don’t know how it happened, but I am now one of those people who always wants to talk about politics. I have a lot of rants going on in the back of my head right now that I want to shout out into the void, and it would be cool to have a place where I could say them unabashedly, and hey, maybe someone will even people me to write this shit. I mean, I’m completely unqualified, but that hasn’t stopped anyone before.

So why won’t I?

Because every time I write something political, I always end up regretting part of it. Like that time I compared the 2016 election to a black guy being falsely charged with rape. Yes, I actually did that. Sure, I called myself out for it ahead of time, but I feel like someone definitely should’ve commented on that post and said, “hey, Matt. Knock it off.”

Oh well. I think I’ll only get political on this blog if it’s really important to me and I feel like no one else is talking about it. Or to unabashedly support Tammy Duckworth for president. (Hey, DNC chairpeople, you reading this? Do you want to get veterans to vote democrat? Because Tammy is your way to do that. She lost both her legs fighting for our country, while Trump weaseled out of Vietnam thanks to a stubbed toe. Think about the campaign ads you can make from that! They write themselves.)

3) Become an editor.

I’m talking about becoming the person who reads manuscripts and approves or disapproves them for a publishing company. (Is that called an editor? I’m gonna look into this more.) The way I see it, I’m literally being paid to read books for a living, which at the moment sounds like my ideal job.

So why won’t I?

To be honest, I may actually try to do this. I just got to look into it a little more, because I assume getting this job is a lot more difficult than I’m making it out to be. Plus, a lot of the manuscripts are going to be terrible. Though I suppose I could just stop reading if that’s the case. But what if there’s too many good ones, and I can’t accept all of them? And what if I end up rejecting the next Harry Potter and have to live with that lost opportunity for the rest of my life?

I suppose that’s a risk I’d have to take.

Now I’m sure if I were to think extra hard, I could come up with a fourth option to put on this post, but hey, good things come in threes. A post with four bullet points would be unbalanced and therefore, irresponsible. I suppose I could add a fifth point but I’m not exactly Einstein over here.

So if you know anything about becoming an editor, let me know. And if you want to pay me money to write about politics, let me know as well. And if you know of an alternative to soda that’s still bubbly and delicious, I would also be interested.

Things I Need to Stop Doing

I haven’t posted in a while. I would say I’m sorry, but it would come off as half-hearted, mostly because it isn’t true. I’ve been writing my 500,002th draft of my current work-in-progress, and I’ve gotten a lot done, despite not being even close to finished.

am sorry for not responding to comments, however. That was a cruel move on my part, so I apologize to anyone who commented a week ago and is only getting a response now. I will send you some metaphorical flowers and a metaphorical box of chocolates. Enjoy.

Anywho, I have a lot of bad habits. Not just for writing, but for life in general, so I decided to write them down in the hopes that I will become self-aware and stop doing them. Also, it’s kind of humorous.

I need to stop:

Searching all over the internet for news of George R. R. Martin’s The Winds of Winter release date. I’ve only just finished the fourth book, but I still find myself searching through spoiler-filled forums just for news of a possible release date.

The main reason I find this particular issue so worrying is because there’s a very real chance of the TV adaptation catching up with the books. While the TV show writers know how the story ends, I assume, I’d still prefer to read the books first, unspoiled. And I keep seeing people say things like, “the sixth book will probably come out in about 2019,” which is a more depressing notion than the books themselves.

This is hardly healthy, what I’m going through. Hopefully A Dance with Dragons will be so bad I’ll lose all interest in the series.  It’ll be disappointing, sure, but at least I’ll keep my sanity.

Leaving valuable items in inconvenient places. Fun fact: I am in the ski club. Another fun fact: I couldn’t go the last trip because I had left my super-badass waterproof jacket at the last resort, who still haven’t sent it back to us.

(Side note: How the hell does it take over two weeks to mail a jacket over a distance that would take someone two hours to drive? The post office needs to step up its game.)

This isn’t the only time I lost something at the worst possible time. I had a season pass to Six Flags* last summer, and (almost) lost it before I even got to go once. It fell out of my pocket and underneath the car seat and I spent at least ten stressful minutes trying to find it.*

Trying to create lists when I only have one or two ideas to begin with.

As is the case with this post. When I decided to write this, the only thing I had in mind at first was The Winds of Winter topic; I just naturally assumed I’d think of something else that was both funny and interesting. And having just stated the third topic in my list, I am officially out of ideas. Eh, this was more of a “Guess who’s back?!?” type of post anyway.

Some other spectacular news:

  • More Than I Can Chew: Chapter 8 will be published tomorrow. If it isn’t, assume I’ve been mauled by a bear.
  • I’ll be doing Camp NaNoWriMo this April. I’m developing carpal tunnel just thinking about it.
  • I’ve decided to name myself “King of the GIFs.”

*Speaking of six flags, I went on Kingda Ka, which I think is the tallest rollercoaster in the galaxy. No biggie.